Ted Heller

Breaking news: US Navy Jet Kills Santiago, Hemingway's Famed Old Man, Off Venezuelan Coast

"Hey, it's great to be here in Riyadh, folks. I just flew in from New York and boy, are my arms decapitated!"

Breaking news: Hyphen-Challenged President Sending Troops to War Ravaged Portland

"Oh, did I say the Rapture would be on 9/23/2025? I meant 9/23/3025!"

My thoughts and prayers are with the United Nations translators during this very tough time.

"So I'll take these two. How much?"

Schnauzer

Here we are...

"First they came for Joey Bishop and I said nothing. Then they came for Rick Dees... "

Puissance? Any thoughts?

Overheard, Charles Grassley on hot mic talking about Kash Patel to an aide: "Yo, is bro never buggin' out?"

Oh, just let it rip.

My laff-a-minute essay, "What if Lee Harvey Oswald Had Been on TikTok," was just rejected by Shouts & Murmurs, Cracked, Life in These United States, and Guns & Ammo Magazine.

To answer your question: No, I'm not watching the Emmys. Why not? Camp Runamuck. That's why not.

What we as a nation and as a people(s) need to do is sit down and for once have an honest conversation about never sitting down and having an honest conversation again.

Dixie Technical College is the new Oberlin.

I long fondly, if not foolishly, for those halcyon days of about 11:27 AM this morning when I'd never heard the word "groyper."

Breaking news: Dak Prescott has been writing Trump's Truth Social posts...

Overheard in the Barnes & Noble kids section: "Mommy, Mommy, I want an Epstein Birthday Book, too!"

Uh-huh...

The NFL and the American Ayahuasca Association have instructed their TV partners to “refrain from showcasing any disruptions or reactions” when Aaron Rodgers appears on the field during Sunday's Jets-Steelers game.

He might be onto something.

To answer your question, yes, I AM socioculturally ready for some football but psychosexually, I am just not.

RFK Jr. = "If Suede Could Talk"

Do you have "I Was a Young Man Back in the 1960s" by Incredible String Band?

This is what you get when you hire Billy Joe McAllister as a senior White House aide...

www.instagram.com/reel/DOEIddg...

Jordon Hudson: I'm leaving you.
Belichick: Uh-huh.
Jordon Hudson: I'm seeing someone else.
Belichick: Uh-huh.
Jordon Hudson: It's Nick Sabin. We're lovers.
Belichick: Uh.

It is now 50 years since Donald Trump has issued a coherent public statement.

"Well, he would, wouldn't he?" — Mandy Rice-Davies

Ghislaine Maxwell: "Donald Trump is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life."