Simone

Me when I blandly say good morning to a stranger on my walk and they stare at me like why the fuck are you talking to me: am I still in the Midwest? 🥺

When you sneeze, and your cat gives you a dirty look like what the fuck is wrong with you

What if scientists discover that human urine is a natural disinfectant for shower drains

For some reason, I started singing “rock the Casbah” outside the bathroom door while my husband was going number two until he yelled shut up. But it was yelled jovially, I could tell.

Has anyone else noticed that the quality of book indexing has plummeted over the last 20 years? A lot of books simply don’t have them and for those that do, the indexes are not based on the principles of proper indexing, hence they are almost useless! SMH

These deserve a deep dive by feminist sociologists. The euphemistic language. To whom is the “courtesy” offered?
#sociologists
#menstruation
#randomthoughts

Just because I support sex worker rights doesn’t mean I have to let my daughter go to school dressed like a prostitute, right?

Parenting is difficult and baffling
#parenting

Does it make me a bad person to think DIE BITCH whenever I walk by a particular person’s house?

And to imagine the letters appearing one-by-one in gigantic 6 foot flames across the front of her two-story colonial?

I don’t really wish her any harm, it’s just letting off a little steam?

Is it weird that I 💗 every text from the general contractor and his team

Neptune will be entering Aries, my fourth house. Appreciating this poetic shadow on my wall, drunk on visions of my home, to feel at home and escape
#astrology
#personalastrology

MILF dessert: 4 prunes

Despite the occasional torrential diarrhea, this cat is pure magic 💘

The overwhelming nauseating chemical smell of scented corporate laundry detergent and fabric softener just blows my mind. People come over and leave, and it just hangs in the air for a few hours, it’s wild. No way that can be healthy

Rewatching Breaking Bad. Who else wants Tuco to make them a burrito?

Yes!

Blog ideas:
🍳Sizzle & Sauté with Simone - a cooking blog

💩 Jaded & Constipated - a health blog about my menopause journey - couldn’t think of anything that rhymes with “vaginal lubrication”

#menopause
#blogs
#constipation
#wellness

My mom in the 1980s noticed me reading “Michelle Remembers” and was worried

So, Stevia. It’s supposed to be great and I do appreciate the plant and its leaf. But products sweetened with it: my mouth gets all dried up and it tastes unpleasantly weird, like saccharine. I just don’t like stevia! Why is it so popular?

Me: Bitch, I met him first.
Her: My project is bigger.
Me: [accepts defeat]

A version of Jolene but we’re fighting over our small town general contractor

Is it the disodium inosinate or could it be the disodium guanylate that makes chili cheese Fritos so delicious? All Frito Lay products have proprietary additives designed to create various sensations to keep us eating - “vanishing caloric density” - BUT there is something crazy in these or is it me

I have always loved chili cheese Fritos

And today I’m worried if the apples are organic or whether the seed oil is rancid like WTF, the melted marshmallows were healthier, psychologically anyway

When the ampheta/dextro combo kicks in and hope springs eternal 🌞⌚️✅📋🧠

maybe you’re right, and if it doesn’t become the next smitten kitchen, it could still have niche appeal or even just a record of some meals for posterity

People who don’t want house cats : but how do you live without the elevated interior design aesthetics? I mean look at that fucking chair now

“Breakfast on Bluesky” I just made that up. Oats with egg and spinach, cheese, hot sauce. Goddamn this is good! Should I start a cooking blog or are there already too many, yeah, nevermind. “Sizzle and Sauté with Simone” is pretty catchy tho

Hate the chewing, love the chewer! It’s good to know we aren’t alone…

Very helpful breakdown!

A few weeks ago I opened up to my husband about my misophonia, sharing that the sound of him chewing pretzels makes me want to rip his throat out. Now, whenever he eats something, he jokingly asks me if I want to rip his throat out. Yes. But obviously, he lives here and has a right to eat pretzels.