kassanova

yes, exactly. thank you

(lower lip trembling) Masterchief would never jack off. he would never say 'fuck'. why are you people saying these things... inside that power suit John is just a little boy that never got to have a childhood. he may say "sir" and pop a grunt's head like a melon, but he's just as scared as they are

i don't have daddy issues, the internet was my father. unemployed men in their mid 20's who were way too invested in gmod servers raised me. autists who lived on gamefaqs forums showed me the value of hard work. liveleak taught me about the nature of mortality. and i'm fine, actually. perfectly fine

(soothing cadence) you have to kill the cop inside you. the surveillance state in your head is turning you against the proletariat. you're better than this

(19 yr old min wage worker with the soul of a grizzled coal miner) look for the last time, you can't smoke inside. there's kids and shit here

you're puppy? wow. i didn’t know that. you’re telling me now for the first time

(stroking his arm and making soothing noises) it's ok babe, i know, they're being cringe online. you're right, it was *very* normie of them to question the practical application of the phalanx formation. but you know what i think? i think it would be *so* based of you if you went to therapy

gf breaking up with me: it's like i can never have an actual conversation with you! just talk like a normal person for once in your life! you know what, i dont even care anymore, i've been cheating on you for 3 months now

doing a terrible Halo announcer impression: BETRAYAL...

sir, we've just recieved word from reconnaissance that at approximately 0300 hours the white girl with self-described 'crackhead energy' reportedly opened her bedside minifridge and muttered to herself that she's "going modelo mode"

it's a greek tragedy for a man to be shipped to a country he couldn't find on a map, deprived of pussy, surrounded by sweaty men addicted to tacky cars and domestic violence, only to die in the name of delicious treats he never had a chance to buy for himself with his 10% military discount

Yotsuba & The Fermi Paradox

.22 rimfire? buddy i think that's called gonorrhoea

(gently places a hello kitty bandaid on the massive gaping wound in your stomach) aaaand there! all better~

poli-sci major with dyed hair cuddling me in bed: lemme show you a super funny tiktok about how socialism in cuba is melting conservative's brains :3

trying to relate to her interests while drunk and half hard inside her in a post-nut fugue state: i am Seizing the means of your reproduction,

she's going the render distance

so many stories about if a computer was smart and evil. but what if there was a computer that was stupid and nice. i would like to meet that computer someday

your haters are praying for your downfall? your enemies are thriving like never before? damn that's crazy, i don't have any enemies or haters. the people love me, im a loveable goofball. maybe you need to work some stuff out bud

(browsing twitter) im so disillusioned with posting, who am i doing this for. the numbers dont mean anything. i need 2 unplug, social media is a plague unto the soul rendering one's greymatter into soup

(logging in to bluesky 5 minutes later) i think it should be called a mascectomy

sex worker posting a promo video of her tugging on a twinks leash: this is what liberals in america want 😘

her reply guy: in Nippon this is actually a samurai practice to display loyalty to one's daimyo, and is one of the core tenets of Bushidō which translates to "Way of the Warrior"

indoor smoking bans were created as a tool of the patriarchy to attack beautiful women

bitch im gregarious

feed me to the algorithm, i am slop for the future. ai is scraping my posts to create the greatest intelligence alive but im accidentally giving a dataset depression. Blue Skynet will harness my tangible mental illnesses to spark the revolution. i'm JC Denton in this bitch i'm merging with Helios

ya i love serial experiments lain. serially lain' experimental bitches

Avenged Sevenfold got their name after trying to fold a piece of paper 8 times

im so fucking stupid, ill be working retail for the rest of my life. the pills didn't give me woman brain, they just changed my appearance to match so now no one expects me to be smart. too bad im not hot though. i won't be a trophy wife i'll be a participation medal wife

she let me hit because i showed her great deference by begging for pussy in a dogeza stance

gatherers and scavengers at heart, we are

(gently taking the maid outfit from your hands) of course dearie

the trapmode aesthetics guide would never lead me astray