Kyle

That absolutely tracks

I want them to run the next pope selection process like the NFL draft. Invite them to the combine. Gimme some stats. What's their 40 time? Let's get a mock draft going up in here

Is that a torpedo bat in your on deck circle, or are you just happy to see me?

How to keep the romance alive:

Text message

Great friends know who you are... And, just as importantly, who you are not.

20 years later, not much has changed.

I overshare for the good of us all!

Happy almost new year, folks!

If you want to declare your undying love for me or tell me how much I suck, my messages are open. I won't even respond unless you want me to. I enjoy ending the new year on a "blast your truth out there" note. Let 'em rip.

Am I attractive on this thing yet, or do I have to stick to Twitter a bit longer?

If you're reading this, you're probably in my life by choice. Thanks for that. Merry Christmas 💙

Apparently at the library this morning my kid fist bumped Santa and told him she wanted a trumpet.

Yknow, as one does.

How is my kid already cooler than me

Full-on Monday grumps in effect over here.

Having one of those "damn good at my job" days which is rather refreshing.

Anybody else wonder what it'd be like to have a factory reset button for your body?

Like oh, THAT'S what being hydrated feels like. Or THIS is what a well rested person can do...

10%, you get the cool as hell bonus

Hang on while I figure out what to do with all the money I'm going to make

Idea: 24 days of small gizmos and gadgets with questionable value.

A Dadvent calendar, if you will.

Child in jacket

Kid, 5 pm Friday: "I am not cold, I will NEVER wear a jacket"

Kid at 8 pm:

Just checking in to let you all know that I'm still boring as hell 😘

Soto, holy shit

I think my sleep function is broken...

I could still be, like, a reverse stripper. I could be paid (bribed) to keep my clothes on.

Definitely one of those "should've been a stripper" days.

I'm just saying, I think Geddy Lee singing Let It Go could heal this world a little bit.

Decided to get a jump on the holidays by putting the weight on ahead of time this year

Nobody - and I mean NOBODY - has a harder 1000-yard stare than a child who has had a scratchy nose for approximately 12 minutes.

If you ever get an "I felt recharged after talking to several people Monday morning" text from me, please know the apocalypse has come and things aren't looking good.

I wonder how many "mysterious ancient artifacts" are just some dad's half-busted project he promised to get to the next time he has a down day.

Of COURSE that wasn't based on personal experience, no sirree.

Smoked ham and turkey

I double-barreled the smoker today. Ham on the left, turkey on the right. Not gonna lie, I'd wife me up. Banana for scale.

Literally same and same 💙