Mike Ingram

it pains me every time i see danny ocean has dragged yet another poor soul into his breezy life of lighthearted crime

Is AWP more or less stressful when you don’t drink anymore, wrong answers only please

I really should have weighed the relative costs and benefits of doing that versus buying the AWP badge

Ooh! I like the cut of that guy's jib.

Where you can find me at AWP:

-Barrelhouse booth
-Aquarium
-Eating crab cakes down by the docks
-I work on the docks now?
-This is my new life

That kid lived in a Victorian style house and his mom wouldn’t let them have a normal Xmas tree, it had to be decorated with only matching ribbons and glass balls, so I did have at least some sympathy for why he was kind of a wiener.

Pete Hegseth has the same energy as this kid in my neighborhood who was always badgering everyone to play pickup football in full pads, and when we finally did, he got leveled on the first play and started crying, then went home because we were “tackling wrong” and ”didn’t know our fundamentals”

Wonder if I can get this in time for AWP or if I should ship directly to the convention center

I know "college professor" isn't as prestigious as it once was, but c'mon man, don't I at least merit Banana Republic?

Got an email that I’ve been pre-approved for an Old Navy branded credit card, which honestly feels offensive

When I was a kid multiple teachers showed us this Nostradamus “documentary” and, after all the wars and death, the final scene was this very peaceful field, wind rustling the grass, and lately I’ve been thinking about that a lot

this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to bomb this elementary school full of kids because he thinks it makes him look cool. also his scheming viziers will be betting money on it for fun. good luck soldier

When the grocery store self checkout loudly announces that I’m buying a donut, that‘s a HIPAA violation

Trying to write something about my college friend who died in the fall and the jazz station just decided to play Sarah Vaughn's cover of "Send in the Clowns," good lord

I feel like we could probably make this happen at some future date, via creative plea deal

I’m not even a big Elvis guy, but the Baz Luhrmann concert movie is great, definitely worth seeing in the theater. The only downside is now I want to go hang out in Vegas circa 1970.

When I was a senior in high school
our student gov’t was apparently “too cliquey” so we had to spend a weekend at one of those places, doing trust falls and hoisting each other over walls and shit

I know they‘re a bunch of ghouls, but it would be really funny to watch everyone in the administration try to collectively complete a team-building ropes course

Ha

The Nordstrom Rack-ification of American cultural life

(Is this something? I feel like it might be something.)

A creative writing class where each week we invent a new microgenre and hash out, as a group, which books, stories, poems, TV shows, movies and music fit inside of it

I'm still mad that Clear Channel was allowed to destroy radio, but I'm sure I'll eventually get around to being mad about today's news, too!

Also, at a certain age, if someone is telling a really boring story you can fall asleep right in front of them and they're not allowed to get mad

One thing I'm looking forward to about getting older is being able to say "Oh, I guess I just come from a different time" whenever someone is talking about a subject I don't care about

Fell back asleep after my alarm went off, but dreamt about feeding the cats and making coffee, so today is already off to a confusing start

Called the cat a butthole and then felt kinda bad about it. I mean, she doesn’t know what the word means. Also she is kind of a butthole sometimes. But still, I’m supposed to be the adult around here.

Fox News website drop-down menu: under "U.S." the sub-categories for news are: Blue City Crime, Campus Radicals, Border Crisis, and True Crime

We've been talking about narrative framing in my first-year-writing class, which can sometimes be a tough concept for students to wrap their heads around, so s/o to this drop-down menu, which is going to make my job today much easier.

I was just talking to grad students about this, because they're reading Barrelhouse submissions. Which is kind of a useful corrective, maybe? Their obligations as editors are different, at least.

The other deal--I'm a billionaire here, I can afford it--is that every gallery/art space has to lose a certain amount of $$ every month. Like if they sell a bunch of art, they have to spend more on the business, fund more artists, buy lots of hot dogs and give them away, whatever.

Yeah, this could work. Though I think they'd have to agree to do traditional "food court" food. Like a genre constraint.