ᴄᴇʀᴇʙʀᴀʟ ᴘᴀʟsʏ ᴍᴏɴsᴛᴇʀ !!

I'm thinking of starting an art account somewhere on Twitter, Tumblr or here, Bluesky. Russian parts of my fandoms are kinda suffocating to interact with. I'm really really more comfortable with people from the other countries.

Just thinking about it for now.

I noticed that most people who follow me are somehow related to disabilities or cerebral palsy specifically. That's wholesome. :)

Got scolded for not being able to help mom around house recently. Well excuse me, I try my best. There's no my fault if y'all shooed me away from chores when I tried to help and asked to let me. Pressuring now is useless — I'll just get gloomy.

One of my sis' gifted a diy dream catcher. Hung it on my chandelier and never had bad dreams since (yet).

Why we did? We were both disabled. I have cp since birth. He lost a leg while 'protecting me & our country'(read: killed innocent). He hoped I would take care of him, hoped I'll carry his child, while I barely can take care of myself & clean my room. Such delusions made me feel despair.

All because of what? Because I rejected him. Kindly, of course. I was only 17, he was 23 or around so. It already made me uncomfortable in viewing him more than my friend/older brother. I tried to explain, he wouldn't listen. He thought it's normal. He thought we needed each other.

That was terrible. Horrible, actually. Every morning I was being met with a barrage of rage spam of him cursing me for betraying him, my family, my country, all because I refused to support his views on violence, war crimes, war in general, etc. Found out horrible things about him.

Did I ever mention I wanted to find someone? No. Does she still tries to worm it in my head? Yes. She saw what happened when I tried to befriend a local man. He chose violence in another country(SVO/SMO), then tried to feed it to me as something normal. Had to deal with cyberstalking then.

My mom knows I'm not comfortable working among other people, that's why I refuse following my major and working as a teacher. I implied that I'm gonna switch to IT soon. Then she told me she doesn't want me to be locked in with a computer, because I won't find anyone if I do.

Sometimes it gets uncomfortable when I open my eyes once in a while and see that my family's still heavily implying that I WILL BE married somewhere in the future. Yes, I would. But not in this country, not with a man and not under any kind of pressure, which is = impossible.

Felt pretty enough to selfie.

Plans after graduating with besties:

- Make a lot of money (somehow)
- Buy a house ranch in the middle of somewhere unknown so no one could get to us & move in with them
- Live happy with 2 dogs, 3 cats, 5 horses, chickens & other animals. :)

Sometimes I really miss my ex gf, but I don't wish we get together anymore. I don't have to worry about her not giving me enough attention, yet I still grieve the times she did.

My friends at college make it better, I hope.

Im posting it here because I don't want to tell mom about this. This is so foolish. I don't wanna make her worry about nothing.

Today, an old looking lady entered the bus I took my way home on. She was so mean, bragging about how youngsters around there are disrespectful because they're not letting her sit down. Then I remembered not everyone knows about my cp. Her mean words made me cry in front of everyone. So ashamed.

I need... Help? But what's help?

I can't remember if there was any time my morning was silent. They're either like this or bragging about politics, death threatening anyone the Big Brother points at. Aren't you tired? Because I surely am.

That's sort of a trauma, I think. I'm hearing those disgusting coos for seven years straight every morning in my house with different grandchildren everytime. Could you please just shut up? I wanna come out of my room without being met by this nonsense.

I wish I was deaf. Perhaps only then I wouldn't be horrified to wake up to the noises of mommmy fooling around with her baby grandson on FaceTime.

Murder House, Coven & Freak Show.

Jessica Lange in AHS saying "there's not going to be a [2028 election], you stupid slut"

me @ the democratic party rn

Judy Judy bo budy banana fana fo fudy fee fi mo mudy. 👾

Sometimes I feel like sister Jud after her electro shock therapy.

Would it be any easier if I didn't put aside that nagging thought at my 14s and ended it all? Would it free me from this noise? From the burden of guilt in front of the whole world?

Mommy please stay sane. It makes me cry so hard when you watch reels and get stuck on a propagandistic/hating videos for half an hour. Don't make me hear it. Please. Don't consume my brain into this bullshit. Someone has to stay sane in this madhouse.

For the love of god coming from a LaVeian, please, get me out of here. I beg of you. I don't want my mommy to spot me hanging from the ceiling some day even if she is horribly wrong about the world's situations. I want to live. I want to live till gay & ☮️ rights are legal here. I want to be happy.

It's so fucked up it's not even funny anymore. It makes me feel so much despair realizing that if my school psychologist would still be alive she wouldnt be any better than them.

I'm so fed up with this silence. I CHOOSE what I should say, hear, watch, post and who should I fuck with. NOT THEM.

Maybe I'm only brave enough to post it here because I think the govs don't check media that are not as big as Metas or maybe I'm just desperate. I don't fucking know anymore. Theyre forcing to record APOLOGIES for telling THE TRUTH about how fucked up this place is? I thought we were free in speech.

Sometimes I really consider the thought I put away a long time ago when I was just a careless schoolgirl. Sometimes the noise in my head gets so loud I really consider silencing it forever.

What else should I do if everyone around me tapes my mouth with no chance to disagree?

I really don't want to lose hope, but it gets worse every day. I'm so fucking tired of constant propaganda and agression around me: at college, in the net, even in my own fucking house.

My dear parents, what this hatred turned you both into?