Mitten d'Amour

Dog bollock sausages.

Couldn’t give a solitary shiny shite if my baked beans and my runny egg flirt incorrigibly amid a full English, but who the fucking FUCK wants sausage flavoured French toast or eggy bastard pineapple?!!!!

Being served a variety of delicious freshly prepared breakfasts; pancakes, French toast, eggs, meats, fruits etc and that’s stunning and exceeds the promised ‘continental breakfast’, but WHAT IS WITH THE REPULSIVE SAVOURY-TOUCHING SWEET ON THE SAME FUCKING PLATE?!

YESSSSSS COME TO MITTEN, BABIES YESSSSS

‪Nooooow it makes sense.‬

It is rude overtake the virgin Mary? Quickly please, I skipped lunch.

“Sorry I’m late for my dinner reservation, there was… traffic?”

Remember how everyone mocks NASA for asking Sally ride if 100 cunt plugs would be enough for a week in space? Well I thought of that while I packed for my impending poolside period and I don’t mock, because let me tell you, I DON’T KNOW NASA, I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.

Gozo

Gozo. You get half a prize.

Crazy pace of life here. Overwhelming.

Saw this last night and yet NOT ONE CAT HAVE I SEEN! Lies. This is a town of lies.

(Lovely woman. French, first time travelling solo. Husband wants a baby now so she told him she needed to go away on her own first. And she doesn’t want to get fat. Sounds ideal)

So of course we had to chat and whyyyyy are my solo travels never entirely solo?!

Get down for breakfast at my hotel today and it’s French toast with a side of deja fucking vu!

Last night, out for dinner, I offered to share my table-for-your with another solo diner. Both glued to our phones - AS GOD INTENDED - no need for chat…

My flight departure is delayed 25 minutes and we therefore arrive ten minutes earlier than scheduled and nothing about aviation makes sense.

I expect sparkling wine and (not personally) lager - but GIN? Incredible stuff. Hats off to him.

GIN MAN CAME BACK FOR ANOTHER HALF PINT OF GIN (single tonic) L! It is half past nine in the morning, Alan. Truly, holidaying Boomers need to be studied.

If you have to ask whether I brought an empty sandwich bag in my hand luggage…

I am once again on my executive lounge bullshit but truly I am a mere amateur for I have just watched an elderly gentleman free pour half a highball glass of Bombay Sapphire with no hint of shame.

Minou is constantly baffled and horrified at what Mort will eat. Which is rich considering he will eat all the normal cat stuff and she won’t touch chicken, fish, any human grade meat. JUST LITTLE TINY BITE OF SNAX!

MINOU NEEDS TINY BABY BITE SIZE PIECES DO NOT FUCK WITH HER

Screen grab of WhatsApp message that reads: Eat whatever you find. Oh, and if you’re having peas they are Mort’s favourite snack (Minou won’t touch them) and little bite-size pieces of crisps are Minou’s favourite snack (Mort won’t touch them) - other than the actual cat treats in the cupboard under the toaster.⁠

M’off on holiday,but don’t worry - I’ve left The Bastards’ particular list of demands with the house sitter.

Apparently he did. The judge used a rule to add time for a crime someone is acquitted of based on their behaviour. LOLOLOL

“Hello, The Louvre? Yes this is an emergency - we need you to clear the walls of everything. Yes the Mona Lisa, EVERYTHING.”

“Enjoy work, loser”

Thought Karen was a #Strictly barrel-scraped green room filler - until last night. The moves! The earthy humility! The team spirit! The hidden talent! The elastic taint! The LEGS!

This years ‘Heart of Strictly’ for sure, with La Vois, Harry and Jimmy also 2025’s sweethearts.