John Heap

"Well done, you've got me driving."

A discontent

You could edit the council press release a little bit

At the birth of my third son the anaesthetist says to my wife "Oh, hello miss..."

Text reads Carlisle almost pounced for an opener inside the first two minutes as former United coach Watson's side tried to play out but walked into United's press.

Enjoyed this paragraph

Really excited both about the book and for you. Just go easy on Henry Williamson.

He just had to run in the direction of Balls Road after exposing himself.

Phone screen showing walk of 29703 steps or 21.46km

A cinnamon bun from Fitzbillies

Open Day at Cambridge yesterday: the half marathon of open days.

Will do. Moved back to the Lakes about 7 years ago. They're in Cockermouth. The Jennings Brewery reopened this week and he can't drink.

I asked the doctors if he could stay in another couple of days so I could be there for the new curry menu. He's home and bored, cheers. I've stolen his dog to stop him trying to walk it.

I unlocked a new Parkrun achievement in Jesmond three weeks ago: running past the Freeman hospital where my dad was recovering from open heart surgery caused by a life of doing too much exercise. Sadly, there isn't a t-shirt for this.

This will annoy the people on X who were so passionate about the right to kill people with their cars.

Show don't tell

Only on St Swithin's Day.

Why do you hate Britain so much?!

At the front, next to Rudolph and all of the other Reijnders

I can do this in one four letter word

a cartoon of homer simpson standing in a grassy yard Alt: a cartoon of homer simpson standing in a grassy yard

I finally get to use this gif

The best bit of this game so far was the twenty minutes I spent trying to register for Discovery+ #europaleaguefinal

This spring I'm mostly telling wrens to shut the fuck up while I listen to something more interesting.

Not sure why he's generated so much rage either. He's not done much right but who has? It was the people who wrote the shopping list and paid the bill that were to blame. He wasn't the one who let Patrick and Dennis walk out the door, for example.

Does anyone say "digital natives" any more? That was the start of the stupidity - the assumption twenty years ago that the kids won't need much adult guidance in all this.

Sedge Warbler? They take the piss a bit.

"One hopes the Blues have not been paying consultants by the hour for this." Jon, your sardonic rage has been my grim highlight of the past two seasons.

I'd hope they won't find as many chain-free buyers too stupid to use Rightmove round here.

Very sad to see Guy going but it was painful to watch him trying to do the things he used to do with ease. I really hope he gets a good preseason somewhere and gets back to his best. Still convinced Charters has something when he finds a consistent position.

Agree with all that. Saddest one for me is Charters as I always thought there was more to come from him. Guy's game relied on him covering every blade of grass but recent injuries/illness have really stripped him of any pace. Hope they both get something elsewhere.

So, #Biffa employees trying their best to drive the Cetti's Warblers away from their nest in the River Park. If you try hard you can put a strimmer right through it. Fucking idiots. #portsunlight

Someone on my estate Facebook group has just demanded that it become 'a true platform for freedom of speech.'

I want them to read this at my funeral🥲🪽❤️