Umbrella Corporation Updates

As of COB on the 30th of June all queer zombies will be incinerated

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All our employees are flesh and blood, not AI. In fact, many of our staff members have described themselves as having "too much flesh" and stated "please help, there's more every day."

from: Daisy Wendt <daisy.wendt@umbrella.col.org>
re: Hot Desking at Colorado office
Whoever used TI-15-045 last, there is a thin film of gritty mucus all over this workstation. Wet wipes are available in every kitchen!

Also someone left their dog here (dead).

Due to the increasing risk of viral outbreaks, climate change, workers rights abuses, pandemics and other potentially damaging events, Umbrella will no longer be commissioning risk assessments.

FACILITY COMPROMISED. REMAIN CALM AND AT YOUR ASSIGNED WORKSTATION UNTIL ONE OF OUR PURGE TEAMS ARRIVE TO ASSIST EVACUATION.

Attn: To combat server load problems, 6 minute self-destruct timers will be limited to 2 minutes. Audible self-destruct warnings will now be limited to Umbrella Red subscribers.

Message to Health and Safety (08:47:02 06.14.2003): how am I supposed to [----] know whether my tongue split in two or I grew a new tongue? DOES IT MATTER???

Tomorrow's security code is your manager's birth date plus the number of bees killed in February's bee trials.

Retinal and fingerprint scans will be phased out due to the increasingly transient nature of eyes and fingers among Umbrella staff members.

Sorry, the only thing we're "linked in" are several ongoing court cases.

You can't blame every death or outbreak at an isolated mansion on us. That one last week? Yes sure. Next week? Also yes, we have something in the pipeline. But two or three months from now? Unfortunately yes.

Loitering in an unmarked crush room is against the code of conduct, your coworkers should have conducted themselves better.

You can't blame every death or outbreak at an isolated mansion on us. That one last week? Yes sure. Next week? Also yes, we have something in the pipeline. But two or three months from now? Unfortunately yes.

the company says our health plan won't cover it because only my legs are zombie

the company says our health plan won't cover it because only my legs are zombie

Who are the real villains? The brave people building efficient and valuable organic death machines? Or the law enforcement thugs destroying the private property of honest American pharmaceutical businesses. Only the courts can decide.

Umbrella reminds all our loyal customers that governments are more of a suggestion than a rule.

Are you a proactive engineering professional? Do you welcome a challenge? Have you ever installed a flamethrower into the mouth of a statue? We're looking for our next build department superstar!

Must have health insurance and strong bones.

I said "put the virus in two metal crates" not "put the virus into milkshakes"

The only Tyrants we support are expertly programmed and politically unbiased bioweapons.

Following today's press conference, there have been some discussions regarding our president's health. He has not succumbed to a zombie virus, he was just sleepy.

Spreading rumours that the president was infected with a modified G-virus sample while on the toilet will lead to disciplinary action.

there's no evidence kissing the zombies spreads the virus

they assigned me to be the guy who kills all the child zombies before the media spots them

Message from IT: Please do not leave notes scattered around your workspace that say, for example "Remember the code to the upstairs file room is 2499, if you need to access the file room and grab the top secret server key, which we keep hidden there."

Umbrella is dedicated to taking things with faces and removing their faces, or putting faces onto things that didn't have a face. Our motto has always been that faces aren't where they should be.

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hey so how much blood can you lose before it becomes a real problem? just asking hypothetically

This Pride Month, draw a rainBOW 🌈 of protection over your loved ones with our biological weapon CIStems. New models already in TRANSit. 🥰❤️🤍❤️🤍 #pride #bigpharma

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