Are dolphins called dolphins cause they have phins?

My childhood best friend said she has a present for me. I hope it’s a baby goat.

If we are doing celebrities who have passed on. My fantasy cooking show will be me and Mr. Fred Rogers making chocolate chip cookies and them sharing them with some children, and Daniel Striped Tiger.

The thing that’s weird about The Outfield is that Tony Lewis has such a tiny mouth, but such a big sound comes out of it!

Trying to figure out why I have money in my bank account

I’m just trying to order a pizza…

Pizza guy; ok your name for the order?
Me: it’s Ella
Pizza guy: ok, Ursella, it will be ready in 15 minutes.
Me: Le sigh . Ok

I got really high and said “what if there was a dog, but it carried it puppies in a pocket like a kangaroo? Wouldn’t that be the cutest thing”. Then I learned about the Thylacine, and they are extinct. I was so sad. I am hoping some will be discovered in Tasmania somewhere.

I wanna go back to the dentist and get little vampire teeth veneers to replace the ones my orthodontist shaved off without asking me.

My hair ball is crooked cause I opened the fridge and a box of Lucky Charms fell down and hit me in the head!

So, you know there is such a thing as “baby carrots”? Does that mean that carrots that aren’t baby carrots are “adult carrots”?

Also, I don’t do any kind of math for free. Thats why I don’t do sudoku or any of those games. If I have to do math, someone needs to pay me

I always bring crazy with me and I don’t even need a backpack!

I am old. Ok. So there’s that. But I fail to see what twerking is supposed to be. Is it a dance? Is it a kind of exersize? Is it some kind of mating display? What the heck is it? Someone please answer me.

Would it be weird if I made a bracelet out of my children’s baby teeth?

My life long best friend wrote this to me. Heart melted. Many people say “BFF”. But we have this for real. We’ve been friends since I was 4 years old!

Why the fudge is everyone SELLING sourdough starter now? That used to be given away free. It’s like a thing to give it free!

Pflugerville Taco House slaps. Just like they said.

Whenever anyone uses the word “soulmate” I automatically imagine “cellmate

I do love Gen Z. Those are my kids. Not just my actual bio sons. All of Gen Z. They are all my kids.

Nantifa: I don’t wanna see any more puffy lips please

What is the meaning of friendship and communion? Is it purely transactional, or a desperate urge for human connection? These are the questions that keep Samuel and I up at night.

I was just cutting carrots and came across one that looked exactly like my Nana’s finger looked. It was a weird feeling.

Carlos: My tools are more experienced than yours, Samuel!

I feel like my eyebrows are too far apart

Years ago, (when in our 30s) I convinced my sister there was such a thing as “sky jellyfish”. This isn’t a testament to her gullibility, it’s more a reflection of her trust in me. I feel bad now. We’re almost 60. I should tell her they aren’t real.

Shelley: this is the town called Loco
Me: wow that’s crazy
#wtmthct

Ceremony is the pivotal piece between Joy Division and New Order. I’ll die on that hill

I’m at that age where I trip and accidentally throw out my shoulder.

I’m watching House of the Dragon. And Matt Smith’s face looks like it was crafted by a 6 year old with silly putty.
I mean, my face does too. So we have that in common.

I got caught in a tsunami of tumbleweeds once. And I got out of my car to look at them. Came home, and the next year a tumbleweed grew in my lawn. Sticky buggers.