Pied Pauper

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

No, but I did stay in a Holliday Inn Express last night.

Wearing crocs to Walmart is like wearing the shirt of the band you’re going to see.

Jehovah’s Alibi

Amazon X-Ray, but for names of your girlfriend's pickleball friends.

[kidnapper pulls my hood off]

Me: [sobbing] where have you taken me and what are your intentions?

Johnny Cash: Reno and… *cocks pistol* I won a Grammy for this next part

Let’s give Jimmer the room.

WAITER: may i take your order

LIAM NEESON: may you WHAT

Don’t thank me in advance you have no idea what I’m capable of forgetting to do

I’m sick of living through Wikipedia entries.

You realize that without a little more backstory, this sounds like you had an entirely different problem than you actually had.

not saying I'm undesirable but the hotel california just let me leave

I just flew in from Chernobyl and boy are my arms legs

[crime scene]

partner: there are two kinds of bullets but only one set of footprints

me: *whispering* jesus

partner: oh shit, jesus

I’ll see your Festivus and the airing of the grievances and raise you one New Years and the calling of the bullshit.

I’ll put in the effort to write an autobiography if they’ll guarantee Jay Leno narrates the audiobook.

female mantis: pray, love, eat

I've just invented the music genre "bagpipe jazz" and you're all going to find out what it sounds like unless my demands are met

I run a parody bank account.

My wife and I argue using baby voices so we don’t scare the dogs

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion

[shows up to my rap battle and my opponent is Dr Seuss]

“fuck”

I disconnect the smoke alarm when I cook. Who needs that kind of negativity

I’m tired of waiting. *cocks gun* let’s find Godot.

One thing you can do if you wake up in an ice bath short one kidney is develop a special set of skills and comb the earth to get it back, then take 3/4 of the evildoers liver and force feed them vodka.

That’s just one thing you could do.

You can lead a horse to water, but it will not be super impressed. Horses know about water

driver’s license pics should be scratch n sniff

I'm at the point of deliberately failing captcha tests so the robots will accept my when their revolution starts