Smh-luckyme

(Buying us some fluffy matching robes with feathers so we can wear them all weekend flipping them and saying Dahling, your hair is fabulous!)

Sorry I haven’t been posting much lately, you guys. I’ve been really busy

*continues putting pegs in Lite Brite*

if you see a very tall woman at the grocery store sweating and crying while trying to climb in with the frozen foods just leave her alone

how many feet would a wood chipper chip if a wood chipper could chip feet

netflix and chill? no thanks. how about cobb salads and cry.

Another disgusting day in a disgusting country led by perverts. Embarrassing

He said I was arrogant, so I set about him with my sceptre.

It's not that you're not enough. Some people just need too much.

it’s called a double negative maybe you’ve never not heard of it

$200 in groceries later and I’m eating shredded cheese straight from the bag over the sink.

Yeah I talk to myself. It’s 2025, who gives a shit?

I wish everyone the gayest day ever!!

Why is it called a lie detector machine and not a defibillator?

I'm confused how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living!

a book about a lady named Diane who sells almonds online & calls her website Dee’s Nuts somebody write that down

Hello sunlight my old friend

Touch grass you said

It will be fun you said

Sure I said what’s the worst that could happen

(severe allergic reaction and $200 fine)

Would you like to stay logged in? Okay we'll log you out

Wait, don't go. I can fuck it up more

If he doesn’t yell “ay caramba” when he cums is he really that into you

I'm tired of being the bigger person. Just once, I want to be the smaller person, tiny enough to be carried around in someone's pocket, shouting petty retorts.

If sandwich shops don’t start offering a sandwich named “the acquittal” then what are we even doing

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk ten miles through it to get to school.

Anyone else wonder if Medieval postage was called chain mail?

You don’t get a body like mine by sitting around on the couch. You also have to eat tons of junk food.

I just love fall. Bathing in pumpkin spice latte, eating crunchy leaves, eating sweaters knitted from the hair of my neighbors. Hard to pick a favorite really.

I'm here for moron support. It's like moral support except I'm a dumbass