Keith Bergman

I’ll let Constitutional scholars sort out the deets but maybe if a head of state shares a pretend video of himself dumping diarrhea on certain constituents, those people get to have a different President and not pay any taxes to the poop guy?

Dibs on the boots with the fur

The same smug dinks in your comments going “America doesn’t even HAVE a king” all day today spent the third quarter of 2024 saying “he doesn’t even KNOW ABOUT Project 2025” with exactly the same stupid-faced energy

Epstein victims are 'young women.' 30-year-old racists in the group chat are 'silly kids.' Black teens gunned down in the street are 'adults.' JD Vance is 'just some li'l guy.' Burning down a judge's house is less than one news cycle. Ten hippies in frog suits is an insurrection. J6 was a lovefest.

The people JD Vance says are "just kids being kids in the group chat" are older than the people Trump, Vance, and Elon allowed to pilfer your Social Security information and haphazardly fire half the government.

The fact that there was one guy in your high school graduating class who you know would love the chance to be an ICE agent, and do the things they see ICE agents doing right now, and the fact that you recalled that guy instantly for all bad reasons, tells you how wrong things are right now.

I love that there might as well only have ever been one photo taken of Kash Patel, it nails every weird thing about him so much that nobody even tries to run with a different photo of him anymore, and this horror box of a picture was taken as an official act of government.

Just uncovered deep roots to this organization while doing unrelated research vis-a-via ghost evasion and dot consumption

I know it's a high bar but this might be the single most dead-on two sentences @themountaingoats.bsky.social ever wrote

Listening to hours of uncomfortable small talk on this road trip because I accidentally grabbed the awks cord

A whole lot of lying assholes need to go to jail forever when he dies and this shit is over, but the first ones in line should be the medical professionals who tried to bullshit us into thinking he was fit, fine, and not shitting his pantaloons in a dementia haze this entire time

Daddy's busy, kids, you'll just have to pretend I updated the "unlike you libs I'm not so easily triggered" Hindenburg meme to reflect the pants-pissing meltdown of a bunch of triggered alpha gravy enjoyers over their boat-bombing cult leader not getting a peace trophy.

So Trump’s got gaydar, only it’s the ability to magically find crime only in every single person he has a grudge against? Kind of a shit superpower, honestly

Stop canceling shows because you're worried that seeing a different type of person is somehow indoctrinating your children. You were exposed to the teachings of Christ your whole life and not one bit of THAT managed to stick.

If there are still this many people in this country, who went to its schools and churches and lived its culture, who think shooting priests in the head with pepper balls and dragging parents out of cars in the grade school pickup lines is what restoring greatness means, what was the point?

I dunno, I just think if you kill people at sea and send troops into cities, you should maybe have more credibility than the guy who said they were eating pets in Springfield, and that if you don't, you should be removed from your job

No reasonable person still thinks Trump isn't all over the Epstein files. What we're seeing now is the desperate stalling of an entire political party that knew this all along, had countless offramps to depose their cult leader, and must now explain to the world why they stuck with him all this time

Prank calling Kristi Noem in Bart Simpson voice to say I'm Ann Tifa and I demand to speak to my incarcerated girlfriend

Watching a gaggle of adults who grew up on rock and roll turn into their dipshit parents and say things like "I dunno about this Baddie Rabbit guy, can't we get Lee Greenwood?" and realizing most of them are younger than ME and already on this square-ass goober train? Preposterous.

Can we stop with the headlines about Pam Bondi being humiliated in yesterday's hearings? Her only job qualification is willingness to be sexually harassed by an elderly flatulent rapist. She's into that shit.

Stephen Miller is proof that with the right gumption and work ethic, anyone can grow up to be an entire nation's sleep paralysis demon

One aspect of reading, not watching, my news is that I'm just now learning that Mike Johnson has the all time worst poker face in the history of lying sacks of shit

Mad respect for Rusty's commitment to zero waste

Happy Just Realized That Expensive Calendar You Bought To Support an Artist You Saw Once Online Is Still Sitting Flat On a Table and Has Not Been Looked At Once In Its Assigned Calendar Year Day!

Is it any wonder aging white Americans are frightened of Bad Bunny, a swarthy Spanish-speaker who named himself after the most frightening monster to ever attack King Arthur and his men?

Trump nuts who think he won't do to them what he's doing to brown people right now have spent their entire adult lives thinking wrestling is real and that the stripper is their actual pal.

Stephen Miller is a domestic terrorist

Workshopping some new Alice Cooper songs, lemme know which ones you think are guaranteed hits

- Wrangle My Werewolf
- Diddle My Dracula
- Yank My Yeti
- Astonishingly Go Ham On My Abominable Snowman
- Have the Sex With My T. Rex
- Give It Hell a Ton On My 12-Foot Skeleton
- Cats In the Cradle

Probably still too soon for this shutdown, but by the next one, we could probably reopen the government with a small surcharge on Charlie Kirk tattoo coverups

YOKELS: I love Trump because I don't trust the government!

ALSO YOKELS: the Dems are responsible for the shutdown, it says here right on the government website, they couldn't put that if it wasn't true