Keith Bergman

Made a 1am frozen pizza as an incentive to unload boxes from the van while it was cooking and then reward myself. It is now 3am and I am offering myself the second half of the frozen pizza as a reward for unloading the boxes. The negotiations are not going well.

AND SHE'LL DO IT AGAIN AGAIN sorry I just wanted more pics

Saw a werewolf leavin' a bodega drinkin' a smoothie with his friends
Doin' the werewolves of Brooklyn

ah woooooooo

Don't think it's said enough how gleeful Trump and Hegseth are about killing people especially BECAUSE it's unpopular and transgressive. We're sinking fishing boats and blowing up Iranian civilians because two men have a murder and debasement kink and history's biggest war machine to jerk off with.

Since we all know he's gonna do fuck all in his big-boy job, former plumber Markwayne Mullin could at least make it fun by using plumbing puns at press conferences. Gonna flush the illegals, tighten up America's leaky faucet, put a wrench in those domestic terrorists' plans oh god we're so fucked

AND SHE’LL DO IT AGAIN

If a bartender who serves a drunk can be held liable when that drunk kills people in a wreck, are we gonna hold the AI evangelists and trainers responsible when their robot spawn bomb schools and kill civilians?

Not saying it's not barbaric, but Markwayne Mullin's new policy of fist-fighting every detained brown person in ICE custody in an Applebee's parking lot is gonna really slow down the deportation process

John Fetterman is the Herschel Walker of Joe Manchins

BREAKING: MAGA reluctantly agrees to start rubbing one out to Markwayne Mullin during Congressional oversight hearings instead

Strangely enough @themountaingoats.bsky.social earned more from meme royalties in 2024 than from music despite meme royalties not being real

[smacking away oxygen mask and yanking central line from my neck] hi I'm all fueled up for my infarction adventure thanks to my brand partners Hormel, Monster Energy, and Raytheon, and I'm ready for heartattackmaxxing fun on this roadtrip, hit the siren boys we're in our coding era

Can't wait for the opportunity to pay my respects as reverently to Pete Hegseth as he does to the troops he's gotten killed

The McDonald's CEO looks like he came from the same third-rate robot factory that made Mark Zuckerberg and J.D. Vance from washed-out latex and gave them the social skills of an NPC in a 1980s text adventure. This simulation sucks.

me, as a skeleton draped in an American flag on a truck stop t-shirt: THESE EXECUTIVE DON'T FUNCTION

What's that? Our allies shot down our planes and they cost 350 plates at my fundraiser? Better kick some more poors off Medicaid pronto

my great-grandparents grew food out of dust, their kids fought in a war, my dad built cars, I steal funny video clips and stitch two-second clips of myself fake-laughing at the end for tenths-of-a-cent per engagement and pay for delivered chimichangas on an interest-bearing installment plan

New war time is exciting for MAGAnauts, as it's the only time they get to cosplay pretending to give a shit about people in other countries. Just long enough for righteousness in the comments section, mind you, that shit ends when any of those people need protected or relocated, but what a thrill!

I don't think it's being a stooge for capitalism to be annoyed by "did you see how much my meal cost" posts. They put the prices on a sign in the lobby and they build the restaurant in a complex with dozens of other options. You shitting bricks because Five Guys is expensive isn't postworthy my dude

Sausage gravy over tater tots, because the end of the world is no time to be hangry

Nothing worse than USPS tracking info going from specific to vague as your package travels. It's not a confidence booster to see "arrived at facility near Louisville" then "in transit to next destination" followed by "where are any of us, really, in the cosmic sense?"

Marry Me Chicken and Pasta
Better Than Sex Cheesecake
Book Club Besties With Healthy Boundaries and Mutual Respect Meatloaf
Start an LLC Together Goulash
Disastrous Throuple Cobb Salad
Carry This Secret Until But One Of Us Survives Jell-o Shooters
Furtive Reunion Dry-Hump Potatoes
Frenemy Fritters

Who's got the best sandwich? I think I settled on Arby's last time I compared.

I too enjoy watching my AI live his best life when I am not typing PLAY PIANO or FEED DOG at him

Love when Ann Coulter dumps another pantload where even she's like "not my best work but nobody remembers what a ghoul I am and I'm being upstaged by Megyn fucking Kelly, gotta blurt out some dumb shit pronto before I wind up on the Michele Bachmann train to oblivion"

more like levon MONGERS hey now

Guys he just needed some time to settle into the job! He's worked all the kinks out now! It was just like we said a decade ago!

Can't believe they got Prince Andrew in the back of the squad car like that

Time traveling 1980s heartland guy: this future’s not THAT different, is it? Do dudes like me still sit on the porch drinkin’ Bud Light and rockin’ some Springsteen?

Me: actually zero of those things anymore

TTHG: Jesus Christ!

Me: not real into what He had to say, either