Keith Bergman

me, as a skeleton draped in an American flag on a truck stop t-shirt: THESE EXECUTIVE DON'T FUNCTION

What's that? Our allies shot down our planes and they cost 350 plates at my fundraiser? Better kick some more poors off Medicaid pronto

my great-grandparents grew food out of dust, their kids fought in a war, my dad built cars, I steal funny video clips and stitch two-second clips of myself fake-laughing at the end for tenths-of-a-cent per engagement and pay for delivered chimichangas on an interest-bearing installment plan

New war time is exciting for MAGAnauts, as it's the only time they get to cosplay pretending to give a shit about people in other countries. Just long enough for righteousness in the comments section, mind you, that shit ends when any of those people need protected or relocated, but what a thrill!

I don't think it's being a stooge for capitalism to be annoyed by "did you see how much my meal cost" posts. They put the prices on a sign in the lobby and they build the restaurant in a complex with dozens of other options. You shitting bricks because Five Guys is expensive isn't postworthy my dude

Sausage gravy over tater tots, because the end of the world is no time to be hangry

Nothing worse than USPS tracking info going from specific to vague as your package travels. It's not a confidence booster to see "arrived at facility near Louisville" then "in transit to next destination" followed by "where are any of us, really, in the cosmic sense?"

Marry Me Chicken and Pasta
Better Than Sex Cheesecake
Book Club Besties With Healthy Boundaries and Mutual Respect Meatloaf
Start an LLC Together Goulash
Disastrous Throuple Cobb Salad
Carry This Secret Until But One Of Us Survives Jell-o Shooters
Furtive Reunion Dry-Hump Potatoes
Frenemy Fritters

Who's got the best sandwich? I think I settled on Arby's last time I compared.

I too enjoy watching my AI live his best life when I am not typing PLAY PIANO or FEED DOG at him

Love when Ann Coulter dumps another pantload where even she's like "not my best work but nobody remembers what a ghoul I am and I'm being upstaged by Megyn fucking Kelly, gotta blurt out some dumb shit pronto before I wind up on the Michele Bachmann train to oblivion"

more like levon MONGERS hey now

Guys he just needed some time to settle into the job! He's worked all the kinks out now! It was just like we said a decade ago!

Can't believe they got Prince Andrew in the back of the squad car like that

Time traveling 1980s heartland guy: this future’s not THAT different, is it? Do dudes like me still sit on the porch drinkin’ Bud Light and rockin’ some Springsteen?

Me: actually zero of those things anymore

TTHG: Jesus Christ!

Me: not real into what He had to say, either

These two dinguses are extra cuddly today. They got over some food issues and it seems to have made them like each other again. How am I supposed to work with these adorable morons nearby?

RFK JR, LEANING UNCOMFORTABLY CLOSE TO THE TRAUMATIZED INTERN EDITING HIS WORKOUT VIDEO WITH KID ROCK: be sure to make the 'WHOLE MILK' font extra cummy

Insane. I won’t even drive more than hour in jeans.

This Beavis and Butt-head reboot sucks

Hey real quick, if you're keeping score on what people think of tax money being spent to tweet from a government account like an incel with an ankle bracelet jerking off to Mein Kampf, please mark me down as "really not into it at all"

Hotels are great when destiny insists you take the most humiliating post-traffic-jam shit of your life three feet away from a hallway full of twelve year olds losing their goddamn minds in unison the night before volleyball regionals

POV: you're the cover model for Pantera's "Vulgar Display of Power"

Gonna be hard with gutted newsrooms, but I have faith in the legacy press's ability to keep churning out stories about the ill old couple who voted for Trump every time and now wish their dream home wasn't buried in a foot of cancerous ash even though he's still their guy but they hoped for less ash

I try not to engage in the stereotyping of the east side of my town as a Florida Man hellscape, but when a notable number of their lost pet postings contain the phrase "shit happens, don't start with me ok" it's hard not to give in

Trump, Bovino and Homan terrorized a city, killed people, caused bodily harm, left trauma and fear in their wake, did a shittier job than their predecessors, and aren't even paying their thugs. Tim Walz is trying to get loans together for suffering small businesses. MAGA believes he's the loser here

The legalese "hope this helps!" is a dunk too

I'm faced with the impossible choice of whether an entire Midwestern city insanely overreacted to nice boys doing their jobs and mobilized to feed and protect a vulnerable population because they love crime and hate America, or whether Tom Homan is just full of fucking shit

Wait, hold everything, you mean to tell me Trump jumped into Minneapolis with both feet, no game plan, zero logistical support, maximum chaos and cruelty, and is now about to bail out with literally not one of his stated goals achieved and say he nailed it? That does NOT sound like our boy!

I'm so glad it's not 1 degree before windchill that even brown yards and mud puddles can't get me down yet. That cold was personally offensive.

RFK Jr looks like if a nutsack had a nutsack