Noah Lugeons

If the Patriots lose today they'll be 6-6 in the big game, making them the undisputed mediumest team in Super Bowl history.

If you didn't get to meet the lemur, you have to go back and do the lemur package.

Hey, how did pretending Joe Biden was the president of Israel and driving the election to Donald Trump work out for the people of Gaza? Was it great?

You seem pleasant.

What? Trump chickened out on Greenland with no real concessions, nothing gained, and a huge cost to American prestige? Crazy. Who could have possibly already had an acronym for this?

Yeah, given how rich a topic for humor genocide is, it's weird that we don't talk about it more on our comedy show.

In 2026, we've added a tag to all our shows that inform people they're made without the use of generative AI.

I'm calling on other creators to do the same. People should know if they're reading the thoughts of the person they're attributed to or artificial thoughts generated by a plagiarism-bot.

"My health insurance is going up $450/month."

"How about a one time payments of $2000. Will that help?"

"Not much, no."

"Good, because we're lying about that."

We were all excited about our checks and balances, but it turns out that all it takes to overthrow our democracy is literally the dumbest one of us trying even a little bit.

I reject the whole "forward slash, back slash" distinction. Half of both of them are forward and half of both of them are back. By its very nature, a slash is half forward and half back. Who the fuck decided that was gonna be the nomenclature?

The Progressive ads with "backups in real life" seem to misunderstand what a backup QB does. It's pretty rare for a backup QB to come into a game because the other QB isn't doing a good job.

I demand ads where the best friend gets a concussion or the husband backing up the trailer gets turf toe.

GOP Rep Reveals Nonsensical Revenge Plan After Trump Loses Nobel Prize Representative Buddy Carter is furious that Donald Trump didn’t get the Nobel Peace Prize.

My idiot congressman just introduced a resolution to force the Nobel prize committee to give Trump a peace prize. Instead of, you know, working to reopen the government.

newrepublic.com/post/201636/...

In response to not getting the Nobel Peace Prize, the WH released a statement that said of Trump that "there will never be anyone like him who can move mountains with the sheer force of his will."

How long it will be before he shoots an 18 in golf, invents the helicopter, and no longer has an anus?

Consider this: Trump is the only person who has ever managed to look like a failure for not winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Most people have never won the Nobel Peace Prize (and almost all of them are more deserving of it than Trump), and yet he's the only one who FAILED to win it.

What a loser.

Ever since the Eagles did 4 tush pushes in a row, they haven't been able to do anything. It's their punishment for boring the fuck out of us.

Every time I see these helmets on the Bills, I wanna grab a quarter and scratch the logo off to see if I won.

Yep. When we talk about it or don't talk about it, it proves your point. How dare we either talk about or not talk about it?

If the rapture affects the release date of Hades 2 on Switch, I'll be very upset.

I feel like the word "renowned" should have an asterisk next to it.

BAD GUY FIGHT!!!!

You know you're fucking up a text when your phone is like "Hey man, do you wanna just say it to us in your native language and we'll translate into English for you?"

I won't call you a hair-splitter, I'll say you're making a distinction without a difference.

I feel like they'll mostly have forgotten him by this time next week.

You don't have to condone murder to celebrate one. If I celebrated him dying from cancer, nobody would accuse me of endorsing cancer.

I'm not aware of anybody else having an issue.

This post is a great alternative to thinking.

I feel like every animal should have got their own nip.

Death, Sexual Violence and Human Trafficking: Fallout From U.S. Aid Withdrawal Hits the World’s Most Fragile Locations Exclusive State Department records show: As the Trump administration abandons its humanitarian commitments, diplomats are reporting that the cuts have led to violence and instability while undermining...

Refugees in Kenya have died at food distribution centers, officials noted, including a pregnant woman crushed to death during a stampede. Aid workers said they expected more people to get hurt “as vulnerable households become increasingly desperate.”

(Published May 2025)

Alright, I'm not gonna endorse the conspiracy theories that he's secretly dead, but I'm willing to bet he's at least using the autopen.