Saipaniac

For my next birthday, please.

Day 6: I might have coughed up my entire GI tract. Wtf this is my life now.

If the flu were a person, I would kill it slowly and with no remorse. The flu is an asshole. Don’t be like the flu or I will murder you in your sleep.

Day 4: I will compromise every single moral standard I have to stop feeling this way. If you ever want someone dead, cure me of the flu and I will fucking kill them for you. I DON’T EVEN LIKE MURDER Y’ALL THAT IS HOW MUCH I HATE THE FLU. I WILL CUT A BITCH TO NEVER FEEL THIS WAY AGAIN.

Day 3: I walked a mile from my room to the kitchen. I’m told it wasn’t a mile. Then explain to me why it took half an hour.

My electric blanket only goes to 9. I need it to go to 23. Maybe it will help to take a bath in boiling water. I’m told that it’s illegal to make showers that dispense boiling water. This is why we need smaller government and less regulation. It’s my goddamn right to boil myself. I need this.

My muscles are all cramping. I want to remove them from my body. It would have been worse but my parents have all the drugs. Fuck you, bronchitis, I have amoxicillin.

Day 2: I feel like I’m dying. I spent hours putting together a plan to address the headache that’s interfering with my sleep. The throbbing pain prevents me from forming a coherent thought. This weird emptiness in my brain is what some people experience as normal. It is frightening.

Day 1: I don’t remember being alive today.

My world is small, and it’s all I know. What I know is that having the flu is the Worst. Thing. Ever. It is the very worst thing that can ever happen. Nothing is worse than the flu. I will not be taking questions at this time.

Christmas 2017: How the Flu Ruined Christmas.

This week, I’m fondly remembering the last time I had the flu. A thread . . . .