Jake

I keep forgetting this app exists, until I remember and then I’m on it for hours

Just saw a TikTok saying revolution cant happen because when he was at chipotle a worker hooked him up w double meat on the low… and the employee at the register clocked it and charged him anyways .. so basically for every revolutionary there’s 10 snitches who love following rules and I hollered 😩

Popular vote

Is this inappropriate to add to my work apron? 👀

Hello it’s 5am and I just wrote this super cute guy a note asking him out for Indian food. The responses were “sounds dal-lightful” or “naansense”

Wtaf is wrong with me

NOW SIR YOU AIN’T HAVE TO PUBLICLY

Cons of being single: no cuddles, not doing cute boyfriend shit, nobody to sit around and enjoy their presence

BUT… pro: I can eat a cheese plate in bed and no one will yell about the crumbs

Perspective is everything

I had a childhood urge to buy a Pez dispenser and gave into it, and I have zero regrets

If being gay is a sin, then god’s revenge of attaching the best dick imaginable to the WORST men imaginable is punishment enough. Leave us alone

I also now clearly know why I was always very imaginative and day dreamt so much as a child

Because this place has *zero* brain stimulating value

I’ve been back in my hometown for 24 hours and I’m already trying to claw my eyes out

WHY can I not buy a hard seltzer after 5pm in this garbage dump

Last night I got my first “so we saw you across the bar…” interaction and I’m honestly so flattered

I’m not used to being average-to-slightly attractive, it’s weird

*in the mirror*

Me: “wow my arms look big around you”
Twink: “yeah well I’m small so”

Me: ☺️🔫

Next time you think your job or skills are pointless or unappreciated, just remember that someone in the world still maintains the CompuServe home page

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

You looked amazing 5 years ago, lost the weight, and look amazing today! People who would make negative Oze*pic comments I just assume can’t relate to hitting their goals through hard work and dedication 🤷🏼‍♂️

“Hell is empty and all the devils are here.” -Shakespeare

The best post-election political analysis I’ve seen.

I always blame my lack of personal travel on the having no time or money

But the stark reality is I hate flying as a passenger 😮‍💨

Gate Agents: “Are you ready to board? We need to turn this plane as quickly as possible for an on time departure.”

The plane:

I love fatigue training at work because of the line “avoid caffeine, alcohol, and nicotine at nighttime” as if I’m not about to have all three at midnight

I would die for Meatball

There it is

Picture of a worm driving a car with words: the worm in RFK jrs brain on his way to day one as deputy health secretary

I AM DECEASED.

so we moved to bluesky

Only time will tell, young grasshopper

I’m using the opportunity I have before people actually follow me to admit something dark and sinister

I fw Nickelback

We can’t call posting here Tweeting so what is it? Cloud seeding? Skywriting?

Does this mean I can again spew my ridiculous and obscene thoughts online?