Garrett Cousino

The motto of the catholic church should be "Kneel and Prey"

The Midwest has been on a 50 year mission to prove that "salad" is not a legally protected term

The most embarrassing part of this CEO cheating scandal should be the fact that they were at a Coldplay concert...

Last week a man proposed to ChatGPT and it said yes. He wept with joy. That man also has a HUMAN PARTNER AND CHILD.

Yet I remain single... I think it might be me y'all....

I'm in that weird section of millennials where texting is hard because you lose context, phone calls are worse because it feels like a job interview. That's why I prefer live... in person... for one night only... because that's all they give me.

After my set tonight someone bought me a shot of Malort... so I'm not sure if they liked it or hated it.

Reading Drumps posts must be like Guantanamo Bay for Clippy the paperclip...

The next time you hear someone obnoxiously rev their sports car or giant truck you can think "well if we all die in nuclear war, at least that guy will die too"

Legitimate question: has anyone even tried spanking him for the first time in his life??

Anyone else feel like they're the star of season 12 of The Truman Show and the writers are running out of ideas?

Decided to start working for myself and now I understand why people want to kill CEOs.

It's crazy that some people can see a picture of Michael B Jordan with his shirt off and STILL decide to be a white supremacist

If you smoke cigarettes, but you're in a place you can't, you can chew nicotine gum. What are you supposed to do if you vape? Just eat a gummy bear every 35 seconds?

You've heard of cold hard cash, but if you've ever worked a bar or gas station in New Orleans, you know what hot wet cash is.

Cajun is to French what Boston is to English.
I said what I said. And annunciated too.

Don't be like wine. Don't be stepped on by a dozen people just to make one happy.

Given the amount of meth made in Florida, I'm actually fine with them banning fluoride in the water. It was mostly being wasted anyway.

Isn't it weird that everyone's mom has the same birthday??

Carlos Mencia has a mind like a steal trap.

My brain is a seive with name-sized holes

My cat is "Schrödinger's Fat". He's 15lbs but is also constantly on the verge of starving to death.

If I had a swear jar as an adult I'd be a fucking millionaire.

My kids are fat and stupid, and yeah, maybe I shouldn't have named them that... but in my defense they are also cats, so... 🤷‍♂️

Hyperfocus... lack of interpersonal skills... magical thinking patterns... I think RFK might be ausSTUPID

Went to my first therapy session yesterday and I think I nailed it. They asked me to come back next week 🤞🤞

Watching videos of people cooking eggs is my new porn.

Cops love to talk about how hard their job is, but like... give me a gun and I'll kill anyone who still orders anchovies on pizza too 🙄

I really need Olivia Rodrigo to put out a new album asap to help me get through this breakup...

I have a theory that sepia toned photos are actually full color but the whole world was nicotine stained back then.

I just found out that if you eat pho when you aren't sick or hungover you get superpowers.