Bubble Whammy

Turning horrific, offensive things into memes normalizes them. How can people not get this?

I know the "resist" crowd needs their likes and reposts, but they have done all damage and no good if you look at the results.

Happy MLK Day.

My life went to hell as soon as I was in charge of my bedtime

my wife freezes food as an intermediary step before we throw it away two years later

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

The beautiful thing about spelling is that once you learn to spell a word it’s probably going to be spelled the same way tomorrow, so you’re done.

Two screaming goats.
*add to cart.

Festive.

Me in December: Let’s circle back to this in the new year.

Me in the new year: Motherfuck.

and the award for best neckwear goes to..
well would you look at that, it's a tie

Trying to sleep my way to the top, so I took a nap in my boss’s office today.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, man are you going to be disappointed when you find out that was actually my best.

Don't hand me a basket of bread and then immediately be like "don't fill up on bread," that's super confusing and I don't need that stress in my life

The Costco sample lady called spanakopita 'spankopedia' and I'm still disappointed it turned out to be a spinach thing

[handing me my food]
CASHIER: Condiments?
ME: Um you look very lovely today.

I knew from a very young age that people were incorrect

My Christmas List New bike Sneakers Golf balls

Another #Santa story: Last night I was coming home from a house party and met up for dinner with my daughter. I was in "civilian clothes" but still mostly red. A former boy, now in his early 60s, walks over, slaps this down on the table and walks away.
#Santa is never off the clock!

I love the Charlie Brown Christmas special. There's an eerie loneliness that hangs over the whole thing. The music, Charlie Brown's depression, the dying little tree, the flatness of the children's voices, the inevitability of death. A Christmas masterpiece.

A Barbie doll with a detached leg. Text reads: My joints politely letting me know that it's about to rain

#Chronicillness #chronicpain #fibromyalgia #migraine

LEAD SINGER: make some noise!!!!

ME: ok I think there may be a little confusion about who here is responsible for what

Me every single night: I am going to create a me that is so tired tomorrow

I wonder how many murders happen because someone just needed the day off

My retirement plan is to die.

Everyone always said I would be the first one in our friend group that would die but I guess the joke's on you now isn't it Jim

omg have you guys seen that commercial where the hershey kisses do jingle bells

By 45, you should own a bottle of acetaminophen so big it bows the shelf in your medicine cabinet.

I am trying to take public transportation more instead of driving. I am trying to eliminate my spending at Walmart and Amazon entirely. I am trying to use less plastic. I am trying to eat less meat and never get fast food. These tiny acts of resistance add up. I recommend you all try to do the same.