Soba Rat

i feel so sick. i make myself nauseous just existing and acting the way i do. I'm disgusted with myself. i need to be better. i mean it's no wonder I'm alone despite my efforts. i don't know why anyone could ever like me.

Tell me someday what you see. Maybe over a warm meal. Maybe a drink or two. Maybe just on a random day at a random moment. Tell me. I'll wait. And if the chance never comes, then I think that's okay too. I'll still wait. Patiently.

I hope that whatever is inside me shines, even in the deep recesses of my soul. That maybe someone can see that light and say it is good. Looking beyond the emptiness, maybe there is warmth. I fear that when I see it myself it'll be too late.

it's been hard because I've been so lonely. everything around me just keeps falling apart and it's hard to deal with. every corner i turn there's another thing keeping me from feeling like I'm allowed to be happy. not to excuse my behavior.

yeah I'm pretty dumb huh. sorry. maybe I can be better sometime. but I wouldn't put too much stock into me.

I'll never be anything. I'll never be worth anything. I'll be empty and alone. the loser from days past. barely even a thought. nobody needs me. nobody wants me. why would they?

it's really not anyone's fault. I'm a lonely retard. i don't want to keep dragging anyone down or bothering em. it's my own fault for not having many friends. I'm really really bad at it. it's my own fault for being so alone. so don't even waste your energy.

i don't wanna be around me either. i hate me too. and if for some reason you do like me, then you're better off forgetting me. I'll be alone either way I'm sure. because I'm too flawed too i capable of connection. I only ever hurt people.

i could've been better. i had the chance to be someone. something. even though I was born like this i could've tried to do something. made myself likeable or interesting. not so much of a spastic retard depressive animal.

how can I just trust others when nobody has shown to me that they care. I'm left to my devices constantly. as if it's easy for me. it's not. why do you think i shut myself in, away from the world? and it's really not anyone's fault. I'm just broken

whose there when I'm crying. whose there when I'm bleeding from my cuts. even random injuries I've always had to tend to myself. I've always talked to myself. walked with myself. cried to myself. warmed myself. protected myself.

the proof is there. people barely remember what I do, what I like, when i was born, conversations we've had, how we met, things we've done, promises and plans made. I'm just a thought at the back of the mind that rarely comes up for people.

I'm constantly just trying to make up for who I am. it's exhausting and I think I'm failing at it anyway. i barely exist. so why care if I'm dead, alive, nonexistent, off the grid, whatever. I'm just one in billions. not even one worth remembering at that.

people say it would but is that the truth? why should I believe them when I'm just one in a sea of people. does anyone really think about me? at all? i find it hard to believe the answer could be yes honestly.

this loneliness is so painful at times. some of it is self inflicted i guess tho. really tho will it actually matter if I'm here or not?

Some Yunayu arrived at home safely!
Hope to meet you all soon:)
(Sankyuu so much for making right miniyunayu)

Dracula (7267)

Photo of a single, full apricot pink rose in full bloom, with some yellow tones at the bottom of the petals. The bloom is surrounded by rose leaves in the sunshine.

First rose of the season! 😍

It's a deeply perfumed hybrid tea rose. Bliss!

(It's the Elle rose from Meilland.)

#BloomScrolling

trying my hardest to change

Bread looking like MF DOOM

MF Sourdough

Uni and Aoba sitting next to each other, both in perfect loaf form.

Loaf brothers!

Coney Island, Brooklyn, NY

October 20, 2025

📷 by @elrickerikose.bsky.social

#photography #coneyisland #brooklyn #sunset #photographer

A little slice of yesterday's mid-afternoon sky.

Bay Ridge, Brooklyn

everything sucks so fucking bad. but tiny bits of hope still linger. even though I wanted to die my friend td me not to. honestly i was hoping anyone would at that time. i was just being dumb. i won't die. it all hurts so bad but I'll keep living.

kikuo tour dude... i wanna try to go this time. i would hope to go with a friend this time since that's why i didnt go last time. but i will try to go alone if i have to

A black and white cat wearing a yellow collar lies on his back with his paws raised, peacefully asleep on a white blanket.

A black and white cat wearing a yellow collar lies on his back with his paws raised, peacefully asleep on a white blanket.

Sleeping like a kitten

i wish this nightmare would end already. i want to wake up and see something better. I'm still that same depressed loser. still thinking I'm better off dead and alone. still hating myself.

i won't die. that only hurts people more. i want to feel warmth and love. i want to live. but it's hard. i don't find warmth in just anyone. i can't just talk in earnest with just anyone.

it's not their fault. i feel so awful for feeling this way. because it feels like I'm being selfish for wanting them around. but i wouldn't ever try to force them to talk to me. it just hurts being alone. it really does. but it's not anyone's fault