You... You have a little something on your face (all the world's horrors).
27.06.2025 14:22 — 👍 180 🔁 77 💬 3 📌 1You... You have a little something on your face (all the world's horrors).
27.06.2025 14:22 — 👍 180 🔁 77 💬 3 📌 1
Let me shave your legs, baby. It'll be sexy.
[later]
They said to keep putting pressure on it till the ambulance gets here.
I may not know much about sports, but at least I don't have fantasies about football
11.01.2026 15:09 — 👍 222 🔁 71 💬 5 📌 1My parents are “oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I had surgery yesterday” years old
02.08.2023 14:14 — 👍 177 🔁 49 💬 2 📌 0when i let go of a hug i make a loud rubber chicken noise
03.06.2025 18:39 — 👍 36 🔁 11 💬 1 📌 0this is so embarrassing in front of the other parallel universes
22.01.2025 15:31 — 👍 881 🔁 233 💬 7 📌 7
A corvid sits on the passenger side view mirror of a vehicle, looking in.
Tell me truly, I implore!
Is there anything at this store
From foreign lands
Or within these shores
That e’er again
I might afford?
Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”
A cat rests its head, their face a portrait of a deep despair.
when you realize that life is meaningless and you still have eight more to go
06.09.2025 13:21 — 👍 735 🔁 150 💬 12 📌 3Forget a nap I need deep space cryosleep
05.09.2025 12:31 — 👍 11 🔁 5 💬 0 📌 0I talk pretty tough for someone who named all the squirrels in the park after characters in Broadway musicals.
02.08.2025 09:33 — 👍 234 🔁 64 💬 2 📌 1Wanna bait for life
12.07.2025 00:23 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Big naturals, but I’m talking about the chambers of my heart
10.07.2025 01:33 — 👍 289 🔁 67 💬 9 📌 1
Picture of a translucent hooded, caped, skeleton wrapped around an alarmed looking man seeming to move him involuntarily
When the IT guy takes over my computer remotely
16.05.2025 11:51 — 👍 22584 🔁 2656 💬 222 📌 143
A small bird wrapped in a tortilla, resembling a burrito.
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
*brings nothing to the table*
17.05.2025 13:27 — 👍 138 🔁 56 💬 6 📌 1One of those monthly subscription boxes but for undetectable poisons
17.05.2025 13:12 — 👍 386 🔁 95 💬 8 📌 3[yelling over club music] I said grief is a rain that falls on everything
17.05.2025 03:34 — 👍 1819 🔁 437 💬 14 📌 13you make me want to become a better sith lord
17.05.2025 04:54 — 👍 56 🔁 19 💬 2 📌 0They still sell fruit flavoured cigarettes in Mexico so now I smell like both a banana and an ashtray and I am ready for you to love me.
17.05.2025 05:08 — 👍 273 🔁 72 💬 8 📌 0A dark and gritty remake of Ocean’s Eleven where the heist only works because one guy is expendable and none of them know which one it is. Coming to theaters this summer: Baker’s Dozen
17.05.2025 05:10 — 👍 179 🔁 45 💬 7 📌 1One day you’re young and the next thing you know, you’d rather have dinner at 4:30pm than risk waiting 15 minutes for a table.
17.05.2025 08:41 — 👍 235 🔁 57 💬 2 📌 2Always leave them wanting amnesia.
17.05.2025 12:50 — 👍 277 🔁 123 💬 5 📌 0
Store sign reads “VERY SUSPICIOUS SUPERMARKET.”
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
😊
31.03.2025 17:33 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
31.03.2025 11:08 — 👍 626 🔁 115 💬 7 📌 5In case you can't think of anything to post, I don't think we've covered every instance of "can't leave my feet out bc monsters" yet. Maybe try that.
31.03.2025 11:43 — 👍 44 🔁 8 💬 3 📌 0I know exactly when to keep my mouth shut. It doesn't mean I will, but I definitely know.
31.03.2025 12:13 — 👍 247 🔁 119 💬 9 📌 0Getting really into cutting my nails "mental patient" short
31.03.2025 12:20 — 👍 88 🔁 31 💬 4 📌 0
Lynchian advice
Every morning
31.03.2025 12:40 — 👍 897 🔁 185 💬 3 📌 3
[Game of Would You Rather]
Friend: Would you rather have someone watch you try to parallel park or—
Me: The other option
Friend: I was gonna say slowly bleed to death while—
Me: THE OTHER OPTION