Brian is Ze

Israel been out her killing journalists like alcoholism, depression, and Fortune 500 companies decided to team up.

I can rap like these other niggas but nobody raps like me

Wale, Waka, and Roscoe Dash have all been on projects that rap media is talking about in the last month. Them recession heaters bout to make a comeback!

When I’m mean to myself about being fat, it’s not fatphobic and doesn’t harm other fat people because I’m a different type of fat; a bad, unlovable, don’t deserve to live type of fat that no one else is capable of being. I feel like you aren’t getting it…

Hell yeah, brother!

I just can’t reconcile my assumption that medium old is late 30s and my belief that everyone with one of these tattoos is, at minimum) pushing 50

If I’d been around for early eugenics when they were pitching phrenology, I’d have pushed for hands instead of skulls. I’ve got a lot of unhealthy judgements about finger types.

AI advocates have severely dehydrated energy

Maybe we need to explain that water is the main ingredient in all other drinks so people who don’t like drinking water can viscerally understand that it’s bad if we run out

All my dependents are literal. None are tax deductions. They’d just be dead or unhoused without me.

Preppers 🤝 criminals 🤝 millennials

“My retirement plan is going underground”

Noteworthy that every post bemoaning “purity politics” in the face of voting for fascist apologist Gavin Newsome is filled with ableist bigotry.

I think I would have only been surprised that it was nonconsecutive Trump terms and not some new, fascist dynasty hand off on the government side.

If you haven’t already, now is a great time to start not supporting Gavin Newsome for president

No, see, ya gotta pester the politicians you get shamed in to voting for to do the right thing. I’m the smart Ren type and you the simple Stimpy who has, once again, forgotten to jiggle the handle.

I hate how hybrid cars sound like an alien spaceship landing, here i am thinking i'm about to get a nice lil free vacation then BAM pinned against a fire hydrant by an Acura ZDX 🙄

“I fuck with the vision,” I say quietly to myself as I hit “save for later” on a reel of someone making a food that only went specifically uncomdemned in religious texts because the authors could not conceive of its conception

This but it's the start of Liquid Swords after the movie monologue.

Rocked up eating Kellogg’s grahams crackers at the thought of them both rolling in their graves

When are you suing New Girl for using your likeness btw?

Those people definitely exist. I’ve known people who got sober and were like, “oh, I don’t want people fucking touching me and that’s part of why I was drinking”

I don’t even know what I’d do with someone else’s Grammy. Probably be *really* excited for like twenty seconds then be like, “huh, I guess it’s really just a trophy”

EverytimeI see a Kia Seol I am extremely disappointed when it is not filled with hip hop hamsters like ib the commercials.

I have a partner named Jolene, a best friend named Joe, a best friend named Jon, and a bandmate named Jonathan. I double check that my texts went to the right person so fucking much

In a better world, Detroiters, Southside, and Bust Down would all still be on tv and doing crossovers.

My lurker porn account has more followers than my real account. I’m off-putting to bots. They must be getting close to passing the Turing test.

I got to dj for cake/jello wrestling at a house party in Atlanta. It was so much fun. I can only imagine that djing for a full wrestling match would be amazing.

All their bumps could be random people’s MSN messenger conversations from accounts they forgot about