Jesus and Butthead

Watching the dog show replay. I just want to make sure I'm watching the day they all turn on their masters.

We need to start a Handsgiving because I’m a handful come on people get it trending

One minute the night before Thanksgiving i’m drinking beer out of a shoe at hometown bar w HS friends the next i’m plucking chin hairs & hoping my gravy won’t be lumpy

People who stand at the dryer to fold their laundry: who hurt you??

🤣🤣🤣

I really just needed some decompression time. I guess I should check in with the rest of the world every once in awhile.

I haven't really posted in awhile. I got to see what Bluesky life would be like if I wasn't around.

It's like George Bailey discovered everyone was better off without him, so he returned out of spite.

Helped my neighbor bury an old rug last night…her boyfriend would have helped her, but he had to go out of town unexpectedly 🤷🏻‍♀️

If I didn’t reply to your comment it’s because it got buried in my notifications

If you didn’t reply to my comment it’s because you hate me

There's gotta be more to life than doom scrolling and working. This just ain't it.

If we're not making pennies anymore, what's going to happen to everyone who steals copper wire and pipes for the government?

I just realized that I dress a lot like one of the counselors from the original Friday the 13th film.

He never called Jeffrey Epstein late at night. He was talking to Jake from State Farm.

It's in the files, you'll see.

Nobody talks about Dr. Frankenstein's younger brothers, way to mess up the family name for everybody bro

Worst thing about waking up from a night of drinking and finding all your possessions thrown out at the curb?

Remembering you live alone.

A woman dressed in a colorful frilled outfit of orange and pink sherbet hues with pink sneakers and a clear rain slicker. She is posed in the middle of a rain slicked street as if enthusiastically directing traffic quite oddly The pedestrians are wary as one should be

him: She was a nightmare

me:

It doesn't hurt my feelings that more people didn't like my International Men's Day tribute.

I didn't explain it.

I was going to make a body image joke about Ben Franklin, but then I looked in the mirror and thought I looked pretty good today.
I'll take it.

farted (judgingly)

I lost my faith in humanity when I found out there are people out there who don't know how to cook rice.

Man, the 80s were cool. When we thought about the future, it was all jet packs, transporters, flying cars, and trickle-down economics.

hey babe you ok? you’ve hardly eaten any mentos today, don’t you want to be fresh and full of life?

This den of fornication and harlotry has me hovering on the brink of virtue.

I have toe fungus that is more principled than you.

I just find it a bit suspicious that Mario spells cart with a K

watching British Antiques Roadshow, and the appraiser said, "tell me about your spectacular box"

The woman in the condo below ours last two boyfriends were named Raphael. You'd think she could find someone named after one of the other turtles.

😂

Hey, Happy Birthday! I never go to church, but today I didn't go in your honor.