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Drunken antics, dressing room squabbles, and everything else BBC Sport won't touch with a bargepole.
But Lord Bendtner's got nothing on King Eric...
Cantona scrapped with coppers, had dancefloor threesomes and ripped the bong in west Africa.
From affairs with teammates' wives to dropkicking journalists on beaches, hear all his wildest stories on our two pard pod.
lnk.to/rXwE0D
After just 6 appearances and one goal, Lord Bendtner quits Copenhagen and hangs up his boots.
He's dumped by Philine, and launches a new reality show, pranking his fellow celebs.
Can't wait for the episode where he asks Steve Bruce if he has any more daughters...
After serving his sentence under house arrest, Bendtner signs for his hometown club, FC Copenhagen.
The fans are delirious, and the club shop instantly sells out of Bendtner shirts.
But they start having doubts when clips emerge from his first training session...
Nicklas somehow avoids arrest, but it's not long before the cabbies of Copenhagen are back in his sights.
On a night out with new girlfriend Philine, Bendtner clashes with the driver over a £4.80 fare, and ends up lamping him in the face.
He's handed a 50-day jail term.
Then, for two tranquil years, Bendtner keeps himself out of trouble.
But that comes crashing down one night in Copenhagen.
A local cabbie reports the randy striker "dropped his pants and rubbed himself on my taxi", while whipping the car with a belt and screaming "fuck me."
So Bendtner heads north.
And while his form picks up on the pitch, his luck is still out with the ladies.
One night, he awakes to a loud crash and finds an ex-girlfriend has lobbed a cobblestone through the back window of his Porsche.
So Bendtner's romantic journey is back to square one...
And when Steve Bruce's name pops up on his phone, he's probably expecting another earful down the line.
Instead, its a proposal: "Oh that's all water under the bridge lad, fancy joining me at Sunderland", Brucie chirps...
For a man who refers to women that aren't sex workers as "civilians", Bendtner is remarkably charming.
In 2009, he starts dating the Danish Baroness Caroline Luel-Brockdorff, earning himself a new nickname: Lord Bendtner.
The pair have a son, but split up shortly after.
A despairing Bendtner laments "gold-diggers from the nightlife scene", and he resolves to stick to prostitutes.
He later explains in his autobiography:
"It’s less risky... You hardly dare do the deed with a ‘civilian’ any longer."
But his promiscuous lifestyle comes back to haunt him, when he's blackmailed by a girl who claims she's pregnant with his child.
She threatens to go public unless he buys her a boob job.
But she's dodged a bullet... back in London, Bendtner has developed a ravenous appetite for shagging.
After one game, he and a teammate sneak girls into the hotel pool for sex games on the waterslide.
"We had knees glowing red from taking them doggy style," he later recalls.
Steve Bruce is kicking back with a piña colada in Marbella, as his wife smothers him with factor 50, when Amy calls.
"They're all the same, dad" she weeps down the line... Nicklas has dumped her.
Steve spends the next 2 weeks on the phone, soothing his heartbroken daughter.
The striker is sent off on his first Premier League start, then gets in a fight with his strike partner Emmanuel Adebayor during a humiliating 5-1 loss to Spurs.
Adebayor gives him a bloody nose, and the pair are fined two week's wages.
But an even bigger bombshell is coming.
Baffled by his string of bad luck, Nicklas consults a fortune teller.
After a long night of tarot cards and tea leaves, she concludes it's his number 26 shirt that's the problem. It's "a bad number", she tells him.
He switches to 52, but the crackpot theory doesn't work...
Unfortunately, Nick's other bets don't turn out so well.
He rejoins Arsenal, and on one reckless night at the casino, loses £400,000 on the roulette table.
And things go from bad to worse when he totals his Aston Martin on the way into training.
So, two months later, Bruce is relieved to hear the striker has settled down with a wonderful young woman.
The only issue? It's his daughter, Amy...
Nicklas initially takes out Miss Bruce to win a £1,000 bet with Gary McSheffrey, but ends up falling head over heels in love.
Enamoured by the ladies of Brum, Bendtner reportedly visits lap dancing clubs 4 times a week.
When gaffer Steve Bruce demands an explanation, Nicklas informs him the rumours are false - it's 5 times.
A spluttering Bruce is so stunned Bendtner fears "he's having a heart attack."
Our story begins in 2005, when the 16-year-old striker joins the Arsenal academy.
He's soon in trouble for hiding in the ladies toilets to avoid school classes, and is shipped out on loan to Birmingham City.
And that's where he begins his ill-fated quest for true love...
You might remember Nicklas Bendtner as a misfiring Arsenal striker with godawful tattoos.
But what he lacked in goals, he made up for in scintillating off-field scandal.
From bedding baronesses to boob job blackmail, welcome to the ludicrous life of Lord Bendtner...
And somehow that's not the maddest story from Eric's wild life.
He scrapped with coppers, had dancefloor threesomes and ripped the bong in west Africa.
From affairs with teammates' wives to dropkicking journalists on beaches, this is his story...
lnk.to/rXwE0D
In a moment of mad courtroom drama, a furious Simmons strangled a prosecuting lawyer.
He then launched a kung fu kick of his own at Cantona's lawyer.
It led to this incredible courtroom sketch…
In court, Eric’s victim Matthew Simmons denied calling him a “French bastard”.
He insisted all he said was: “It’s an early bath for you Mr Cantona”.
But when he was handed a £500 fine, Simmons truly lost his mind...
He then staggered into the hearing and told them:
"I'd like to apologise to my teammates. I want to apologise to the FA.
"And I would like to apologise to the prostitute who shared my bed last night."
They banned him for 8 months, but he still had the criminal trial to go…
Then he popped up on French TV promising to "piss in the ass" of journalists and, for some reason, the pope.
Next up, Eric faced a panel of horrified FA officials.
But he didn’t take it too seriously, partying with Paul Ince, Gazza and Ian Wright until 4.45am the night before.
After his kung fu madness, Eric fled to Guadeloupe.
But he was tracked down by ITV, leading to a violent showdown on a beach.
Stunned tourists watched Cantona scream "I will kill you" as he dragged the 40-year-old presenter down the beach.
And then he drop kicked him too.
Eric Cantona’s kung-fu kick might be the most iconic moment in Premier League history.
But what happened next is even more mental.
From strangling TV presenters to courtroom kung fu kicks, strap in for the wild, untold story…
