The best Dave you know

Like, I don't pay to get rid of Youtube ads. I am not going to pay for your onlyfans.

Oh man, Twixter must be SHITTING itself right now! They don't have all the pornbots anymore if my new followers are to be believed. We took your real AND fake people.

I don't know if it's the wine talking or the schizophrenia.

I'm drinking a glass of red wine that I opened and didn't let breathe for thirty minutes because I'm a naughty bitch

I'm so glad I'm not alone.

Do you feel guilty when you text your friends because you're sure you're bothering them to the point that they'll hate you because their phone made a noise, or are you normal?

It Follows reboot where it's the rhythm that's trying to get you after you FUCK

As a terrible dancer, the rhythm will never get me.

All of my crasahouts are internal. That is healthy, right?

America: You really dodged a bullet!
Canada: You really dodged a hockey puck, eh!
UK: They proper fucked up, innit?
France: Life is existential dread. *smokes a cigarette and eats a baguette*

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Do dogs love us as much as we love them?

KPop Demon Hunters is Blade for gen alpha. I will not be explaining further.

You legally have to tell me if you're three labubus in a trenchcoat.

Ancient Greeks be like:
Pandora's box is MYTHICAL!

I'm not saying that I have that experience. But I'm not saying I don't have that experience.

I don't know who needs to hear this in this spooky season, but don't take a gummy and watch Midsommar.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Spongebob: Going by SpongeRobert, to be sure.

Louisiana goth sandwich shop: Edgar Allen Po'boy's

I can see it.

Fuck it. Make it a musical.

I want a gender and race blind reboot of Scarface just to make boomers and gen x mad.

I don't actually have a man card. Does that mean I admit that I love romantic comedies?

This is going to hurt me more than it is going to hurt you.
*stubs toe*

You see! That is why they masked it!

Hey, guys, I have a questions and I want serious answers only. Was Alf eating cats a cunnilingus joke? Again, serious answers only.

I know it logically. But I don't like waiting haha

Walmart cashier: Sorry, we don't carry that candy anymore because of the dyes.
Customer: just these 4 guns and 8 boxes of rounds, then.

You can't get synthetic food dyes in Walmart foods but you can still buy guns. Do you think dyes or bullets are worse for kids?