Angel Fish

Annie. I've been trying to take this away from being a public spectacle. You're the continuing to make it public. You know how to reach me if you're serious.

Also: assigned intent.

My goal is to lessen the amount of alters in every subsystem maybe even get each subsystem to fuse but that depends on what the others want

Another thing with getting better... All the alters I split because of the abuse I faced the last two years have now fused together... And I get to work on some of the main issues with other traumas now. Slowly but surely my DID therapy is going well- hell I even have a host for my system now!

has also been healing. Trying to be the opposite of everything that your abuser is and even getting some friends concerned about how aggressively you shifted only to realize the topic became a trigger for you to think of your abuser thus why you thought anyone who talked about it was evil is wild.

It is so freeing to get over my trauma enough to be able to return to a baseline of sanity. Like now feeling confident enough in myself and accepting that yes there is a massive issue with transandrophobia in the queer community and it can be combatted and I wasn't evil from believing in it before..

a kitten is sitting on top of a white cup on a table . ALT: a kitten is sitting on top of a white cup on a table .

Waking up and seeing stuff today made me feel like this

doesn't make me like them. I was desperate to get as far away from what I was but I didn't even notice the kinds of cruelty I kept with me even as I moved on.

To all transmascs and trans men I apologize for the harm I've done and what I've contributed to.

advocacy and the ways transmascs and trans men talk about their own oppression. I thought initially I had been wrong by believing in transandrophobia and so on but as I've come to understand myself and things more I've realized I was right originally.

Me agreeing on a subject with my abusers...

This is an account I don't use much. I'm more active on Tumblr on a new account. It'll probably be a bit before I fully get around to fixing my feed on this account but I really gotta get away from this shit.

Transfeminism is good and important but it's existence doesn't erase transmasculine

Like will I still reclaim bæddel for myself privately? Yes. Just as much as I privately reclaim other slurs that can be used against me. For example: Hermaphrodite. I reclaim that slur especially now as I better understand my body and the actual state of what my anatomy factually is.

caught up in feeling like I could belong somewhere. I see the cruelty towards intersex transfems like myself consistently online and I think I in part tried to hide away in the more aggressive communities to make myself feel valid even when I have been made to feel miserable and depressed

Low-key realized in an attempt to be everything the people who hurt me are not I did actually end up hurting people so this is my official apology for going so hard against transandrophobia and falling into TRF/TIRF/Bæddel Rhetoric.

It started as a way to cope but I think I also got...

Now compare it to how Princess talked to me and think about what Poppy is trying to say.

I did not get around to talking to Courtney before they talked to her on their own. I explicitly told them I did not want to push them in any direction. They might say that Chem was in a compromised mental state, but if it was I had no idea and I still didn’t do anything harmful.

I fell asleep and found out Chem had contacted Courtney in the morning. I never got the two in contact. Chem joined her server before I was even in it. I only joined so I could keep an eye on how Chem was doing and keep supporting them in that space.

I did not actually end up going through letting Courtney know about Chem’s situation because I was tired. I know it’s a bad reason but it’s the truth. I also was worried about overstepping and wanted to truthfully get my bearings before doing so the next day.

Chem was upset we were on opposite sides of a fight between friends and wanted to contact someone I was talking to who I had no reason to believe was harmful in the way she was later outed for. Yes this is Courtney Peet.

I eventually made a video discussing the reasons I chose to leave which can be found here: youtu.be/k2-TeFR22ac
It is a bit outdated as I do now hold some animosity towards the people after coming to terms with how I was used and abused. This is for discussion on a later date

Chem asked me if I was going to turn my back on them as a friend. I expressed that I did not want that to happen. I understood that cutting off the main people in the toxic friend group would lead to me having nobody left.

First I need to make it clear that I gave Annie the FULL LOGS of my interactions with Chem since I left the foundation. I’m pretty sure these had been shared with Poppy, so she’s either saying this knowing the truth or doesn’t care enough to read them. She’s just trying to hurt me for leaving her.

So they’re accusing me of grooming again, so fuck it, here’s the truth. First, I was 20, Chem was 25. Second, this pic is a response to Annie finding out someone in her server was ACTUALLY grooming me. Poppy is trying to do an uno reverse to invalidate my trauma, or even imply that I deserved it.

Awww that's amazing! I wish you the best!

I can't speak to Annie myself about things. I'm still not in a place where I would do anything but break down. I wouldn't be capable of holding a proper conversation and my doctors have been clear I cannot be in contact with her for my own health. But I want her to understand things.

People need to take soda & caffeine addiction more seriously I'm in so much pain right now because I didn't drink a soda today... I'm fucking losing my mind like I feel nauseous and tired and just awful. I know I'm going to have a killer headache tomorrow.

I'm not "yandere" for her. I related to some aspects of the song on the side of the singer and others on the side of the narrative receiver/subject. She hurt me, she hurt me really badly and I got attached to her in a deeply unhealthy way. The same kind of dependency I have had on my groomers before

If Annie can move on and get out of the bad environments she's in that's what's best. I personally can't talk to her due to what my doctors have made clear to me.

I'm surprised a schizopost from when I was off my meds caused this. Part of why I posted it was admittedly to hurt someone who hurt me

Learned I have body dysmorphia today when my dad was showing my partner old pictures of me and I realized I wasn't actually a massive tub of lard and the whole time I was convinced I was too fat to ever be loved I looked skinny and I genuinely desire that body now so badly.

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ICE dragged innocent children, some literally naked, out of their homes.

This is the single most disgusting, inhuman, monstrously evil, irredeemable Nazi bullshit they've done so far.

And if it's not enough to get you to wake the fuck up and do something about it? I just, I don't know anymore.

Fair enough