TuSoon Shakur

One scoop of mashed potatoes per person and DON'T WALK ON THE GRASS

Putin: "Mr Trump, tear down this house!"

PAUL SIMON: there must be fifty ways to leave your lover

ME: brother, you only said five

[alone in a dark cemetery] marco

Elton John voice:
It seems to me / that you lived your life/ like a fuckin piece of shit

I would love to be part of the conversation on MSNBC related to the Kimmel story and it's chilling effects on first amendment, but unfortunately I was terminated by MSNBC for stating that "hateful thoughts lead to hateful words which lead to hateful actions".

Walking round school, looking like David Byrne

You rang?

bsky.app/profile/tuso...

I just totally destroyed some baby at a game of peekaboo. He was right to cry.

Odious odious odious

[wife wanting to discuss my mid life crisis] brent
[me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now

What, are there so many songs about rainbows?

Oh no I really hope Bill Clinton isn’t in the Epstein files, I’ll have to get rid of my Bill Clinton hat and my Bill Clinton sneakers and my Bill Clinton cologne and my Bill Clinton watch and take down my Bill Clinton flag and I’ll have to delete my Bill Clinton nft trading cards

judge: the kid is not your son?

michael jackson: hoo

judge: the kid

michael jackson: hee hee

billie jean: you see the crap i put up with your honor

Recovering park run a-hole here. Happier now too. Also take solace in having never graduated to cyclist a-hole.

Saw an AI fireworks show and a guy lost all 7 fingers on one hand.

I try to sneak in quietly, but my father is waiting for me in the kitchen. He looks at my digging leathers. He can smell the tomb on me.

"You been doing archeology again, boy?" he asks.

I sneeze and sand sizzles across the table.

IGUANA: see you later alligator

ALLIGATOR: (doesn’t know spanish) see you tomorrow iguana

What better way to observe the end of slavery than a rich old white man yelling to work harder.

this is a sith lightsaber, from the war. I keep it on a shelf right next to my stormtrooper armor and imperial officer’s uniform. I’ve even got a verified chunk of the death star from yavin. I’m just a collector. I just think the history is interesting. no, I don’t have any rebel stuff

Shark Dad: what's this $250 charge for *squinting* OnlyFins?

Shark Teen: *shrugging shoulders* i dunno

Shark Dad: where'd you get shoulders?

Aww I thought it was gonna be he man

Just walkmogged some waitcucks at a traffic light’s pedestrian crossing. Enjoy the cold, dears - I’ll be over here, fifteen steps ahead of you and in touch with my city’s heartbeat

Ah, vacation! That magical week when my kids watch TV in a rented house instead of our normal, mortgaged house.

“And so the Greeks send me this horse, we’re talking about one of the most beautiful horses you’ve ever seen. So big. So strong. Normally they keep this kind of horse for themselves but they were such big fans they said sir, please take our big wonderful horse we’ll even bring it to your house”

Habemus papam’n’lockam. We have a pope…who knows how to boogie.

Inherited grandpa’s lucky horseshoe autographed by Secretariat and now Antiques Road Show is telling me its a fake

I could be wrong about this but I really think most Americans do not want to be forced to “do their own research” about food & drug & product safety and would rather that the government agencies that have been sorting that all out for them for decades not be obliterated in the name of “efficiency.”

If you’re too young to remember 9/11, one of the things about the subsequent 3-4 years if if you lived by The World’s Biggest Fork, people would be like “we need to be careful, that fork could be a target, terrorists hate our fork”