I Ate Oklahoma

That picture is the last thing you see before she cuts off your head and lays her eggs in your chest cavity.

Every morning the aliens running the experiment crank the unbelievability knob past 11, thinking this will be the day we finally realize nothing is real, only to marvel at how much bullshit we'll accept.

You should “do you” but maybe also do therapy

Yes, if there's one thing I'm always saying about Oklahoma politicians is that they aren't corrupt, venal, or moronic enough to really support the President.

The only thing he should be running for is cover.

Ideally we'd all have our own offices with doors that close. But, in a pinch, let's just move the people who can't shut up into their own office.

"Mm, no, I get it. Fifty cents is too much for you to save the world. Whatever. It's fine. I said it's fine."

we've always been at war with the bureau of labor statistics

Not for a lack of trying.

"if you care" brand coffee filters

Please enjoy these passive aggressive coffee filters.

Consciousness should be optional.

Dr. Face Hugger: "You have an attachment disorder."

Dr. Ripley [under her breath]: "*you've* got an attachment disorder..."

Alien Gothic with Sigourney Weaver and a face hugger.

Twofer

My mind immediately goes to croque madame, a bloody mary loaded up with a full salad, and a plate of dark brown home fries with a side of jalapeno ketchup.

Unlimited time, unlimited ingredients, but you have to do the cooking yourself: what do you have for breakfast?

I've been called "Oklahoma's Danny Tanner."

Unless you've had it in San Francisco, you've never had *authentic* Rice-a-Roni, the way the locals make it.

I prefer being nude when I weigh myself so if that bothers you please find yourself another Walgreens.

Her: Your profile says you're a "real freak." So, like, what are you into?

Me: I wake up early on Saturdays to look up varieties of fancy coarse ground grits.

Her: That's not that freaky.

Me: I never get them. I always end up buying the cheapest store brand.

Her: Damn that's hot.

(Thank the Dark Ones from beyond the veil who rule over all life with indifference and malice it's Friday)

TTHDOFBTVWROALWIAMIF

i don't think there's anything suspicious about ghislaine maxwell's suicide next week. lots of sex offenders are going to kill themselves.

"You can't really make fun of Canada if you're in Oklahoma."

It's called "punching up."

And a hot cruller, aka "a Candian hello."

Mamdani don't get out of bed for anyone worth less than $950,000,000. /s

Nah, you pretty much nailed it.

See, kids? Plumbing is a very lucrative business.

He's Canadian, so it's only $725,996,967.30.

[texting with my dad]

Me: I'm over here spoiling your dog.

Dad: No, she always smells like that.