The Fishpants

Sunshine (2007)

I meant in the olden days when it was fictional.

I feel like we were promised a cooler-looking dystopia.

don't go viral, go fungal

every time you take a fish oil pill you gain the strength of one fish. doesn't sound like much but it adds up in the long run

A medieval drawing of a bard centaur whose butt is a face

its a living

my has wife asked me to stop my running Werner Herzog commentary during our Donkey Kong Bananza playthru

They should invent a vacuum cleaner that can handle human hair

SIR! (speaking to myself) YOU GOT LASIK OVER TWO YEARS AGO! I KNOW YOU DIDN'T JUST TRY TO ADJUST GLASSES ON YOUR FACE WHEN YOU HAVEN'T NEEDED THEM FOR THAT LONG!

*Your dasher is on the way*

*Your dasher is nearby*

*Your dasher is lost*

*Your dasher has gone rogue*

*Your dasher is off the grid*

*Your dasher has fled the country*

*Your dasher has been located but is unable to be retrieved due to lack of extradition treaties with Venezuela*

A Google alert announces Chappell Roan concert tickets, but the image is of Weird Al

You sure about this, Google?

15-25 year old me: tee hee i love all the deaths in the final destination movies

40 year old me: this is what happens when you get rid of regulations and oversight. Everything is shoddily built and they’re cutting corners

I was working backstage in catering at an Aerosmith concert in 1988. The opening band was this up-and-coming group out of LA called Guns ‘N Roses. Perhaps you’ve heard of them?

During Aerosmith’s set, I was standing off in the wings, watching the performance from the side.

I love basking in solar radiation and indulging in fermented yeast

it's weird when people are confident. don't they know that everything could go terribly wrong?

We're definitely getting dumber, right? Maybe this is how we get Planet of the Apes. Not apes getting smarter, just humans getting dumber.

CASHIER: oh i don't need to see ID, thanks

ME: is it bc the light has left my eyes?

Microwave instructions should just be: Cook until you hear screaming or an explosion.

[clown arriving at a restaurant]

*dozens of valets climb into his car*

everything is pretty stupid, but if you take a moment to look past all that, it’s all still pretty stupid

This is awesome. So funny.

OK this is hysterical.

smart enough to know that playing dumb is always the way to go

Noise-canceling headphones aren't enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist

So help me if I only taste 999 islands in this dressing

RIP Ozzy Osbourne. I hope you're biting the heads off of chocolate bats in rock n roll heaven.

most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

Finally fulfilling my oscillating fan’s dream by taking him to a tennis match.

No, *you* did a sexual favor for a jalapeño bagel breakfast sandwich

Don’t say, “long story short,” and then proceed to tell me the entire story. You have 45 seconds before I start playing award show orchestra music.