The Fishpants

Truly a horrible time to be literate

When musicians don’t know how to end a song, they just fade out. I think other writers should do that too. Sketch comedy, screenwriting, playwrights. Have everyone talk softer and softer as they slowly sneak off stage.
Novelists can end chapters with gradually shrinking type.

The SPEAKER implies.

The LISTENER infers.

The DUDE abides.

hey, everyone! im gonna be signing guitars at the sherman oaks guitar center tomorrow from 3pm until they call the cops to have me removed. come say hi!

Shutdown: The Musical

Everyone: Hello, we would like society to improve.

Billionaires: Too bad, go scream into the void instead.

Everyone: Okay.

Billionaires: Also, we have bought all the voids. It now costs $100 to scream into the void.

evergreen

adulthood is like you wake up and someone is like “that will be $500”

I must return to my protected enclosure with haste

I just quit a book three pages in when I reached a second misspelling because I expect books to be smarter than me goddammit

I too would like to shut down due to incompetence

i will pay one of you in currency and erotic poetry to capture and remove all the bees inside my head

[somberly sitting down at the kitchen table with my wife of twenty years] babe i have gathered you here today because i would like to grow a mullet

HR: we’ve had some complaints about your Gollum impersonations, they’re disruptive and quite frankly, terrible

Me: *falls to the floor* it burns us, it burns us

HR: …

A little nervous you guys, she told me the safeword is worcestershire

Due to racism, all the zebras in very old movies were played by horse actors in blackandwhiteface.

DON DRAPER: I grew up in a haunted house. I would put out bowls of spaghetti and tell visitors it was guts. Grapes, eyeballs. One of the older boys, who would lunge at people in a wolfman mask, looked after me. The only time I wasn’t scared was when I was eating Reese’s Pieces.

He's a 10, but it's in binary

This is going to be FUCKING HILARIOUS

Check out the article here, I'm telling you
Comedy gold nuggets within

Speak with your inside voice and carry a massive fuck off stick

Nettie Pots: Feed a cold, starve the flu and waterboard allergies.

I was going to start a new diet for New Years but there's a bunch of old diets I haven't finish yet.

Elvis is the rare celebrity of yesteryear that if anything would fit in even more today because he was super into self defense and being high on drugs and talking to a crooked President and dating a teenager, he’d 100000% have a crypto thing going on

I'd enjoy a shower more if I had backup singers.

What kind of ad experience would I like? Well, as long as you shout it up my ass at a volume 90 times as loud as the show I was watching, I’ll be elated

I clap when the plane lands because I’m alive. Then I clap again when my luggage arrives. Then I clap when I find my car. I’m very supportive.

I love butterflies. Always floating around like they're drunk

The Grammy Awards should have a “best on hold music” category.