Alternative AssDeans

I’m carrying you.

I shall never be exauctorated, but that Dean might!

This is how I expect you to feel while waiting for your annual reviews too.

Never has a more truthful statement been made. Except for when you call me “pretty”

It is my understanding that Dr. Washington (allegedly) threatened Dr. Jackson with a chicken wing. We are looking into this … incident.

Good luck. The Boomer and Gen Xers will die in their positions.

Happy New Year! May your productivity increase tenfold! I’ll be watching and expecting!

Yes. I expect you to be researching and writing during non-business hours. I need more urgency from faculty!

Perhaps a random mix of both. You must have aspiring #assdean traits.

And they are late. I’ll happily login to your account and assign them Fs so they will re-enroll!

Shhh don’t the anyone but I’m getting a promotion to AssDean, Senior Executive Associate Vice President–Level. My salary will be expanded, my duties will lessen, and I’ll continue my benevolent rule! I’m sorry that you won’t be getting raises along with me.

A proud checklist item of mine!

Not when you know where the bones are buried and by whoMMmMmMmmMmm

At least YOUR grades are in!

Why aren’t you grading?

I passed my cognitive impairment tests with flying colors! The other AssDeans did too. Now those above us? Let’s just say it’s time for them to retire.

Oh how I miss Adobe Flash. And snowflakes are lovely. And so was the sentiment. Now get back to grading sheesh. All this whining! How can you get to break without finishing grading, snowflake?!

Get your grades in on time or go on the List of Shame! This year we will put the list of late graders on the main website page. #ShameAsAMotivator

Dear ***Former*** Prospective Applicant,

Sending the Dean and cc’ing the entire faculty the YouTube video of Reba McIntyre’s song “Why haven’t I heard from you” may not have been the best play on your part.

Yall are lucky I don’t have a podcast.
The stories I’ve buried will chill you to the bone…

Type “I love my #AssDean with all my” and let predictive text fill in the rest!

I love my AssDean with all my soul but it doesn’t work.

I’m not being a bitch; I’m deploying one. It’s called administrative strategery. #assdean

As we head into Thanksgiving break, I truly hope everyone gets the rest they keep telling me they don’t have time for.

This will help you understand me better! I’m at least a 2!

We have decided to halt international travel for faculty. If you want to go to an international conference please find one in this country.

Thank you and please remember that we value your international research so much!

The new software we deployed to your devices is to protect you, not to spy on you!

You smell different when you’re awake.

Behind every great #AssDean is a very confused faculty.

The arc of the #AssDean universe is long, but it bends toward reality. Yall still complainin’!