snargleplax

I hung my phone over the edge of the bed

sorry, I would pay the fee, but I'm in bed

it's like herding dicks

I would just like to keep the dicks from escaping the box

"spring forward" is state-sponsored violence

Text saying "You've read your last free article."

Jacked action hero with goon in headlock, in raspy yet firm voice:

Fortunately, cheese can serve as both

they stole an hour from women

brb, getting my refund at 24 Hour Fitness

I'm pretty sure I know better than you, but that doesn't make you special.

I like where it wound up

*picks up old bottle from ocean, reads message*

Why don't you ever answer your phone?

have you tried it

whoa

is that a lot

This has been inflicted upon you, an innocent

New friend!

there's so much bad in the world but there's also people who lift up and carry an elderly bat around every day so he can pretend he's flying again, and that's the part of the world I think is worth fighting for

put trees everywhere I am no longer asking

They fell asleep

Dick's not here, man

Roses are red,
Violets are icky,

[Inauguration Day 2029]

Trump: THE ARISTOCRATS!

punching? no no, they mostly use edged and pointed weapons that would really fuck a body up, just mutilate it

Huh.

Totn't it notn't?

Is a marshmallow a sugar tater tot?

Because you expected what?

And black pepper!