Michael Turk

Why do you want me to think it tastes like Ed Sheeran?

We like to role play “freelancer” in the bedroom. That’s where we agree in advance how much work I’ll do and when we’re done she tells me she expected more for free.

The one point I have yet to see anybody making: by claiming the Epstein files are a Democratic hoax to get him, Trump acknowledges that he is, in fact, in the files.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if your hair hangs down to your ass, put it UP at a concert so it’s not dragging over the legs of the person behind you.

If you accept that we are sending people to El Salvador with no due process and ALSO accept that once they are in the labor camp, we have no legal recourse to bring them back, then what you’re really arguing is the US government is now in the slave trade.

ICE Barbie is at it again

The trouble with reading as much as I do is I constantly say “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever read” and then an hour later I read something even dumber.

It’s like thing piece writers are in a nuclear arms race of stupid.

the dog house on fire with an i voted sticker saying “they can’t do this it’s illegal”

Any other former political appointees or government employees want to join a class action against Treasury & OPM over our private data being violated by Musk and his clowns?

TBF, there’s a lot of folks - white nationalists, racists, bigots, psychopaths, the criminally insane - who I think we should all agree fall in the CAN’T category without having served.

Elon Musk: “I’m going to frequently post in Latin or quote historical figures so you know how highly educated I am!”

Also Elon: “How was I supposed to know one of the most easily recognizable fascist hand gestures in the history of the world before I executed it - TWICE - at a fascist rally?”

Trump won't ban immigration arrests at churches. Now clergy are weighing how to resist Numerous faith leaders across the U.S. say the immigration crackdown launched by President Donald Trump’s new administration has sown fear within their migrant-friendly congregations.

And now we get to see if religious freedom or racist freedom matters more to Trump people. Once he demonstrates that you’ll let him take people out of your sanctuaries, you’ll be next.

I have used our air fryer to cook a lot of stuff. You will never convince me they weren’t invented solely to reheat soggy fries from a carry out order. They should have a button/setting that just says “Soggy Fries”.

I was promised cheap eggs! If I don’t have cheap eggs by now, what the f**k was the point?

This administration is going to go down in history as the most inept, unqualified, unserious group of people to ever lead our nation.

What’s the best gamertag you’ve ever seen? My personal favorite is MrSisterFister because I like alliteration. But AreolaGrande was a close second.

People don’t deserve dogs, and cats don’t deserve people.

I love that DC is so fragile they pre-cancel everything before even a single flake has fallen.

No need to branch out. I’d stick with fried chicken.

Reminder for next New Years. If you start watching The Invention of Lying at 10:02pm, you can turn it off at 10:03 because it’s fucking terrible.

If anyone is spending Christmas Eve alone and has nowhere to go, let me know. I need to borrow some chairs.

On a Southwest flight. Eyes closed. Headphones on. Most people would think I was asleep.

Feel thumps on the seat. Open my eyes. Hand in my face holding graham crackers.

Never had an attendant kick my seat to “wake” me just to force crackers on me.

A little aggressive for a mediocre treat.

No Ark 2 at the game awards. How long can you promise a game without giving ANY additional updates? Even Duke Nukem was more transparent.

Remember when 2017 ended and humanity, collectively, said that was the worst year ever and now 2017 doesn’t even crack the top 5 worst years of the last decade?

So now we know what the NDA for the relationship deets with DJTJ cost them.

Imagine doing your job so well that millions of Americans celebrate your murder.

“Everything you own is black, dark blue, or grey. You need to add some color.”

No, see, you’re looking at clothes as a style problem. I’m looking at my clothes as a laundry problem.

You know what they say, "Let he who has never whipped his dick out on a Zoom call after knocking up his coworker's daughter cast the first stone."

Precisely. This is part of this stupid notion that Trump has ANY respect for norms or traditions. It’s simply laughable and brought to you by the same worthless media that have covered Trump all along as if he had that.