Lemon 🇨🇦 💙

the thing about pete hegseth is that he is always so excited to get in front of a camera to say the dumbest shit imaginable. he thinks he is giving speeches that will be remembered for their poignancy instead of their idiocy

I have been back in a full-time office job for a few weeks and one of my coworkers can’t stop shitting and another has pink eye. This is my personal hell as a germophobe.

Guys... I'm starting to think there may not be a "secret" episode 9 of Stranger Things

No, no. I love my straightener so you're valid. 100%... I've just never had to flee for my life so I'm not sure what to expect, y'know? Maybe they won't let bags on the plane in favour of people? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I mean... fair. But if you're alive, you can replace it... if you aren't alive, I would assume you probably won't care. But you definitely won't need anything from the suitcase.

I might say consider leaving luggage unless it's medication or something.

I heard like 80% of bald men still have their old comb. Turns out they just can’t part with it

How's that President of Peace working out for you, America?

Wait... you're saying a man who covered up sexual assaults isn't concerned about covered up sexual assualts?

Goldberg's from Phillie, actually. Also, Edina, Stillwater, Brooklyn Park and St. Paul...

And that's only the first movie. The second had Miami, Bangor, San Francisco, Austin, South Central LA and Chicago...

JS.

They are only sorry they got caught. And bc they know it’s all coming out one way or another

The President's speech was just what we expected, all dishonesty & self-aggrandizement while he continues to ignore the real problems Americans are facing because of HIS decisions.

need someone to explain to me like a moron how 4 years later, we’re still able to apply sanctions to russia. like wtf is left that we haven’t already done and why haven’t we already done it

Dinosaur Fact: the human eye can detect up to 1 to 10 million colors, however dinosaurs were unaware of this since they didn't live at the same time as humans and also their brains were very, very tiny

What you idiot commies don’t understand is that if we tax rich people they will JUST LEAVE, depriving our nation of tax cheats, political bribery, and national acts of perversion

The 90s were the best decade for the dinosaurs since when there were actually dinosaurs.

3:01am and my taxes are filed...

Being a ghost living among society has its benefits.

You're laughing? My favourite museum on this blue marble is closing for a decade and I'll never get to see her again and YOU'RE LAUGHING?!

Babe, it's a shame I got the Celiac because you're a glute ten.

LEFT: Someone who appears in the Epstein files over a million times. Epstein called him his "best friend."

RIGHT: Someone never mentioned in the Epstein files—even once. And she never met him.

So guess which one is being hauled before our corrupt, cover-upping Congress to testify about Epstein.

I maintain it was my fervent support...

But thank you for the well wishes... maybe it was you :)

We won. I'm better

Wtf was that?

I'm puking.

My favorite flavor of Tang is Wu.

You need a Brownie. I think you can entice one but be kind... they're sweet and sensitive little things and should be treated like such.

WWJD

What
Would
Jerry
Do

hi, loan sharks, i’m seeking 10,000 for 50% interest

I don’t want a real husband I just want one of those work husbands

*casually hits my vape over your grave