Low Quality Facts

Breaking News: Trump mourns the deaths of 3 US soldiers after advisers explain to him how many Big Macs could have been purchased with the money that will be used to pay for their funerals.

My cats Ruby (cute grey and white kitten with green eyes) and Fishy (big tuxedo cat) lying on a blanket staring at the camera. Fishy has his tongue out a bit, a classic blep.

Why give Twitter $11 a month when you could spend only $1 to support my jokes about how hilariously incompetent Elon Musk? Also, I post pictures of my cats. Elon Musk doesn't post pictures of cats. If anything, Elon kicks cats. I bet it makes him feel like a big man.
patreon.com/lowqualityfa...

A nurse was fired in 1992 after a game of musical cribs resulted in five newborn babies being given to the wrong parents.

Nurses can't have fun like this anymore, because of woke.

Tony Hawk: I'd like to turn myself in for murder.

Cop: Are you Tony Hawk?

Tony Hawk: Yes.

Cop: If you're Tony Hawk where's your skateboard?

Tony Hawk, holding up a blood-soaked skateboard: It dug right into his skull. I am a monster.

Cop: You look a little old to be Tony Hawk.

This is why grave robbing exists. Each bone is worth 3-20 dollars.

A black and white woven blanket showing a large UFO beaming up skeletons from a desert scene with cactus and a snake.

Today's Low Quality Ad is for this Skeleton Abduction Blanket. Skeletons used to roam the Earth, but aliens came and abducted them all. They did this because the bones are their money.
collabs.shop/casj9w

Whales are the only animals that sing happy birthday to each other.

Whales are incredible.

"I never wanted to act. wanted to be a chef at Applebee's, but - am legally not allowed to set foot in any Applebee's." 1 Ryan Gosling

I love Ryan Gosling.

Wow, you learn something new about snakes every day.

Bryan Cranston was almost fired from Breaking Bad after producers discovered he had been cooking real meth in his scenes.

Method acting at its finest.

I hate how many of you immediately got the pun.

A black t-shirt featuring a cartoon illustration of a sad teacup between the words "It’s A SHIRT" in a bold, bubbly white font. The teacup has a simple frowning face, a yellow liquid inside, and a tea bag tag hanging off the side.

Tonight's Low Quality Ad is for this Tea Shirt. I am unwilling to admit how long it took me to get the pun.
collabs.shop/cpk8ix

A man in New York City with two glass eyes made over $80,00 a year by challenging tourists to staring contests.

Genius.

That blows my mind.

1 Weatherman: Drive with caution, there is a dense fog advisory. 2 Guy *looks out window.* 3 Dense fog: A pound of bricks has to weigh more than a pound of feathers. It just has to. 4 Guy: Wow it’s dense alright.

We made a comic about fog.

James Cameron rented a yacht and crashed it into an iceberg so that Leonardo Dicaprio and Kate Winslet could understand the feeling of being on a sinking ship.

James Cameron does not cut corners.

I'm surprised that so many people don't know this.

Promise me you will use it wisely.

The bombings in Iran are a disgrace to FIFA and everything the peace prize stands for.

An enamel pin shaped like a vintage-style green aerial bomb pointed downward. A large red letter "F" sits inside a yellow circle at the center of the bomb, and stylized red and yellow flames emerge from the tail fins at the top. The nose of the bomb features a red tip and a checkered red-and-white band.

Today's Low Quality Ad is for this F Bomb Pin. Let's drop more of these and less of the real ones for fuck's sake.
collabs.shop/f9iklo

Football players huddle so they can play a quick round of rock paper scissors to decide who will get the ball.

Oh, that's why they do that?

It's an easy mistake to make.

I am appalled by how many museums are defying Picasso's will.

Mitch Mcconnell refuses to tip waiters and waitresses because he believes it is a slippery slope towards socialism.

He's the worst.

A candle is only as good as it's number of wicks. Therefore, this candle is better than a 5 wick candle and worse than a 12 million wick candle.

A long, rustic wooden dough bowl candle with six lit wicks, resting on a decorative wrought iron stand atop a woven table runner. In the background, there is farmhouse-style decor, including greenery and small bird figurines.

Tonight's Low Quality Ad is for this 6 Wick Dough Bowl Candle.
Did you know that the candle was invented by a man named John Wick? And it gets even stranger! Mr. Wick was married to Keanu Reeves' great grandmother. The universe works in mysterious ways.
collabs.shop/aeiny1

Plastic surgeons often inject their patients with melted down Legos as a cheaper alternative to Botox.

You get what you pay for.

"I wish - had red hair. People say gingers aren't lucky, but they are. " -Samuel L. Jackson

Wise words from a wise man.

That makes sense.

Pirates never actually buried their treasure, but created this rumor so the authorities would spend more time digging and less time hunting them down.

I feel duped.