You will be mistaken for a martial arts expert after walking through a spiderweb

Against all odds, you will accidentally inhale helium three days in a row. This will be vexing for you, but hilarious for everyone else.

If you’ve ever wondered if you could outrun an angry hedgehog, you will get a chance to find out next Tuesday afternoon.

A piano will definitely not fall on you *next Thursday*.

Beware a groundhog named Arthur

Remember last week when I said “don’t make a bagpiper angry next week”? Well, you have angered a bagpiper. Way to go.

Nothing will have happened to you yesterday

Some days you’re the dumpster, other days you’re the fire.

You know those paddles with the ball and rubber band? Well, bad news. You’re going to be the ball, and next week will be the paddle.

Next week you will have the chance to make a bagpiper angry. Don’t.

Do you know what a group of wombats is called? Well, you will by the end of tomorrow.

You will end this Sunday wet, confused, and slightly further in debt.

Most fortune cookies would try to put a positive spin on the coming week's events.

A piano will definitely not fall on you next Thursday.

You are likely to meet a tall, dark stranger next month. Of course, all things are relative, so if you’re particularly short and pale, you are even more likely to meet a tall, dark stranger next month.

Ever wonder how many chinchillas you can carry at once? Next Monday you will have the chance to find out.

It turns out that due to a fortuitous series of typos, your homeowner’s insurance *will* cover Act of Dog.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you

You know the bendy part of an accordion? That’s what you will feel like next Tuesday.

Avoid ocelots this week