Weird Middle Child

[whispering to turkey farmer] I hear each of your birds contains a wish

Love this song. Can't remember the lyrics. Let's go!

[me flirting, coquettishly]

LOOK AT ME!!! (flailing arms and writhing half-naked on the floor)

And so it begins…

*watching porn* they’re just going to let that pizza get cold?

Interviewer: what's your biggest weakness?

Me: *spinning around in the chair* I dunno, focusing maybe

Don't call it syrup. It's pancake sauce.

A dozen rather disturbing-looking frog-shaped cupcakes on display in a tray.

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years to come

@jasonmustian - "yea, when my mom fell down the stairs and broke her hip, we just shot her [pic of 2 guns and it says we don't call 911 and the 11 are made from bullets]

(guy whose never played baseball before) and you promise that this doesn't hurt the ball?

Hours stretched on, the sun set, another mealtime passed without food.

"Please," I wept, rolling the Monopoly dice. "I just want to go home!"

@fightforfood i would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time (background pic of ET screaming)

Nothing wrong with a good platonic bath with ur buds. (Or a friendly nonsexual cuddle)

And I neeeed that!!

As far as I'm aware, my phone isn't disrespecting my personal stars 'n space.

But it is downloading candy crush saga, Pinterest, and other random crap against my will.

Smart. Don't make them mad.

If electricity is involved, can he need to cross a moat too? (Swim for it, my love. Show us how much you really want the win)

DEFENSE LAWYER: *whispering* whatever you do don’t say you’re guilty
KOOL AID MAN: *nods*
PROSECUTOR: did you do it?
KOOL AID MAN: OH YEAH

It's me. I'm the friend.

We can probably drop the d

It's a sign of fullness. Perfectly normal human reaction.

When you spill salsa..

YOU'RE BLOWING IT, MILLS! get your head in the game!

👀

It could get competitive

[Me, looking at ourselves] do we have a name?

[other me] no

[other me] no, sir

[other me] nopers

[Main Me] well, I guess that solves it.

i married the Monopoly Guy for love and i'm offended you would suggest otherwise

My phone doesn't respect my autonomy.

Letters are there for a reason. Don't let them be silenced!

Do I think Satan has some good ideas? Yes. But do I “worship” him? Yes

Potatoes are a versatile vegetable. You can make all sorts of things with them, from fries and dumplings to ammunition for a PVC cannon that you fuel with hair spray.