Ya know what? I'm just gonna make a roast and ignore anything else that is happening today.
20.01.2025 20:25 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 2 📌 0Ya know what? I'm just gonna make a roast and ignore anything else that is happening today.
20.01.2025 20:25 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 2 📌 0Mmm, deep fried (insert any food).
17.01.2025 11:56 — 👍 53 🔁 24 💬 6 📌 1Calm down, my doctor prescribed me this arroz con pollo.
12.01.2025 00:32 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Anyone else trying to decide which new unhealthy coping mechanism to pick up for 2025?
08.01.2025 20:48 — 👍 29 🔁 4 💬 9 📌 0
*during sex
Me: Do that thing I like.
Her: *velociraptor noises
My dog is such an Aquarius.
04.01.2025 04:09 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0behold the healing powers of the potato chip
18.12.2024 21:23 — 👍 51 🔁 15 💬 1 📌 0
I was just trying to find some cheese....
29.12.2024 18:52 — 👍 3 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
PC notification reads “printer could not be printer”
until printer learned to love printer
29.12.2024 14:29 — 👍 1125 🔁 205 💬 25 📌 4Oh, you don't have your sister mail you pizza from the pizza place back home? That's weird.
28.12.2024 22:11 — 👍 6 🔁 3 💬 0 📌 0Muppet christmas carol taught me that the only time I feel anything is when I see a coughing frog puppet on crutches
22.12.2024 00:57 — 👍 2030 🔁 251 💬 18 📌 3I like saying "I'll allow it" for no reason during a conversation
12.07.2024 19:41 — 👍 276 🔁 63 💬 11 📌 6Anybody else get mozzarella sticks as a gift?
26.12.2024 20:15 — 👍 94 🔁 39 💬 18 📌 1Despite all my rage, I have lots of fear too. I do it all
15.12.2024 18:01 — 👍 94 🔁 19 💬 2 📌 0millennials are the best generation bc we ate the perfect amount of microplastics
15.12.2024 16:42 — 👍 385 🔁 74 💬 15 📌 3Establish dominance by letting mall Santa sit on your lap.
15.12.2024 16:28 — 👍 65 🔁 17 💬 0 📌 0Fingers crossed a porpoise finds me.
15.12.2024 23:19 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0
your purpose will find you
or a porpoise
i'm still learning how to read these tea leaves
I’ve been trick-or-treating each night since Halloween. People are running out of candy. An old lady gave me the keys to her Buick. One guy hit me with a broom
15.12.2024 20:11 — 👍 569 🔁 125 💬 20 📌 3sometimes i sleep with the covers over my head for no reason (jk it’s cause vampires)
15.12.2024 21:51 — 👍 57 🔁 15 💬 0 📌 0Wanna take mushrooms and watch the yule log channel for 12 hours?
20.11.2024 02:24 — 👍 394 🔁 115 💬 42 📌 7Drones in New Jersey would make such a beautiful name for a rock song
15.12.2024 20:40 — 👍 7776 🔁 503 💬 383 📌 68*slides note that says 'salsa of Christ' into church suggestion box*
15.12.2024 19:39 — 👍 493 🔁 102 💬 17 📌 4He's talking a lot of shit, so I'll take all the help I can get.
15.12.2024 20:17 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0I'm willing to learn some magic to help me not lose to my nephew in fantasy football again this week.
15.12.2024 19:26 — 👍 9 🔁 3 💬 1 📌 0
priest: body of christ
me: yes chef
i just learned that i'm the evil twin
15.12.2024 00:56 — 👍 80 🔁 17 💬 5 📌 0just wanna retire and go live in some quaint seaside town with my cat where i run a little bookstore that sells magical potions and spells that turn idiots into frogs and maybe help solve a local murder every now and then.
09.12.2024 03:13 — 👍 21073 🔁 1652 💬 1009 📌 141i put chips and salsa down as my emergency contact.
14.12.2024 20:58 — 👍 295 🔁 31 💬 15 📌 3
Me: [leaning in for a kiss] "Thanks for all you do for me."
Barista: [leans back] “Ma'am, just pay for the coffee please.”