Tea Dee

Suddenly my appointment is in 4 days.

I think i overdid it today with heavy chores.

I've just got my buce tied to rocks with sewing thread so it'll be super easy to switch that all up.

I found a seller so I'm picking up 2 assassin snails tomorrow.
I also read they like sand to burrow in so I'll pickup some white sand tomorrow which means yes I'll be rescaping my tank to accommodate them, yay! Im excited.

Wanting to scream at a wall but knowing it won't answer back is the worst.

Today is a ride on the struggle bus.

Got an appointment!

For early next week, a full neuro consult. Thrilled is an understatement!

So my dr confirmed "acute onset right side weakness" and sent in a referral to urgent neuro but there's a chance they'll deny it.

I hope i get a phone call tomorrow.

Feels like I've been holding my right arm up over my head for an hour.

And my left pinkie has been numb since after dinner.

Don't love it. 0 out of 10.

As much as we may wish to deny it, we are often motivated by fear more than anything else. It is a hard way to live. But true warriors pledge to meet those fears shoulder to shoulder, to stand against them together. In doing so, we are motivated against fear, not by it.

I think it's really fucking sad that I'm hoping something is there and to finally be Sick Enough for people.

Maybe an MRI and more tests will finally show something "good enough" (or Alternatively, "bad enough") to be taken seriously and believed that I have significant and *disabling* issues.

I guess i have a lot of internalized ableism bc my mom always always told me how I was being dramatic when I complained.

Even (especially) as a teen & into my 20's. So I stopped complaining and just figured everyone silently suffers.

TIL there's such a thing as post migraine euphoria that can mimic a bpd manic episode. Fantastic.

My appt with my dr got approved for tomorrow morning, I guess ill need a referral to a neurologist before I can get an MRI to look for lesions. So im making a list of concerning symptoms that track 🙃

I think i realized today that since I had that severe allergic reaction to that antibiotic a few months ago that landed me in urgent care... I've had a permanent headache. I have to remind myself that most peoples everyday headache is zero.

No headache.
None.
That's the usual everyday for them.

(numb tongue, itchy skin but ample brain fog, the migraine was still there but the acute pain was gone).

Funny how my migraines are always written off as "oh well, that's a shame" and even ODSP doesn't take them seriously if they stopped covering the only medication that worked.. 50% of the time.. that i think i was actually mildly allergic to.

Made an appt to see my dr to talk about
1. Wtf came up my cardio appt.
2. I'd like to request an MRI...
3. Maybe I have MS. (Several symptoms... several upsetting symptoms) 😡
4. Also can I get a tilt table test in Toronto some time soon ish? For possible POTS?

Wicked lightning & thunder ice storm going on outside

Im so sick of feeling nauseous all the time. No matter what, queasy af lately.

3.5 hours of sleep means im barely holding on

Absolutely LOSING MY MIND over the #Mando trailer!!!! #hype

I love the idea of journalling- and ngl i love the aesthetic- but the intense physical pain i get from writing just for a few minutes makes it very hard to really take the idea seriously.

I'm ready to cry, this day has spiraled so fast and so awfully inside my head.

I HATE having high moods because that means the incoming low will be so much worse #bipolar #bullshit

My vape is dead 😕

But since theyre not *done*, I can't tick them off in my bujo and so it sorta feels like a waste and I'm in a salty mood so I'm spiraling about how little I can physically do everyday and how *much* I aspire to be able to do in one day.

2 loads of dishes done! Just bowls and cups/glasses to do! But my back is screaming so I sit for a bit.

"Well... that was sad." Re: Artax.

"Run, Atreyu, run!"

Cue him YELLING at Bastian to "just give her your mom's name!"

"Thanks for showing me that movie, mom." 💛

Mood crashes are the worst; really dislike when it's anger & acute annoyance I'm falling into.