Jason Roeder

Today marks the official launch of Humor Consulting Technologies. We'll put our years of experience writing and editing humor to work for your project, no matter how large or small or detrimental to humanity.

Visit jasonroeder.net to find out more.

I read this on paper, and it was great then.

Fantastic Four’s Pedro Pascal Recalls Working With Trainer To Stretch Limbs 50 Feet

Fantastic Four’s Pedro Pascal Recalls Working With Trainer To Stretch Limbs 50 Feet theonion.com/fantast...

Justice Department Told Trump in May That His Name Is Among Many in the Epstein Files Bondi told president at the meeting that Justice also decided to not release more Jeffrey Epstein documents because of the presence of child pornography and the need to protect victims.

Exclusive: The Justice Department told President Trump in May that his name is among many in the Epstein files.

Marine Wonders What Will Become Of Angelenos Left Behind As Chopper Rises Into Sky

Marine Wonders What Will Become Of Angelenos Left Behind As Chopper Rises Into Sky theonion.com/marine-...

Trump's Attorney General said she had Epstein’s client list. And then… nothing.

If that was a lie, it’s a scandal.

If it was true, and it vanished? That’s a cover-up.

Either way, we deserve answers. Justice shouldn’t depend on who you are or how much power you have.

MAGA Voter Drills Hole Into Skull To Relieve Sudden Doubts About Trump

MAGA Voter Drills Hole Into Skull To Relieve Sudden Doubts About Trump

Ted Cruz Assures Texans He Working Tirelessly To Get Vacation Refunded

Ted Cruz Assures Texans He Working Tirelessly To Get Vacation Refunded
theonion.com/ted-cru...

Every Trait Disqualifying ICE Agent From Previous Jobs Ideal For Current One

Every Trait Disqualifying ICE Agent From Previous Jobs Ideal For Current One
theonion.com/every-t...

No One Sure Why Kristi Noem Wearing Firefighter Helmet, Night-Vision Goggles, High Heels, Wet Suit

No One Sure Why Kristi Noem Wearing Firefighter Helmet, Night-Vision Goggles, High Heels, Wet Suit theonion.com/no-one-...

The New York Times front page.

I'm sorry but the largest protest of my lifetime is not the 7th or 8th biggest news story in the country behind "what does Gen Z want from Instagram?" This shit is humiliating. Rearrange your layout to meet this moment. Omitting the thing happening in every American city is malpractice.

Join The Onion Don’t just read the news. Feel it. Be among the first to feel the news.

A year of The Onion's print edition mailed to your door is on sale for $75 until the end of the week.

Father's Day is on Sunday and you will spend tomorrow washing the tear gas out of your eyes. Clear your conscience today.

membership.theonion.com

Marines Raise American Flag Outside Cell Phone Store After Defeating Skateboarding Teenagers

Marines Raise American Flag Outside Cell Phone Store After Defeating Skateboarding Teenagers
theonion.com/marines...

we on sale this week get it

No Kings On June 14—Flag Day—Donald Trump wants tanks in the street and a made-for-TV display of dominance for his birthday. A spectacle meant to look like strength. But real power isn’t staged in Washington. ...

No Kings mass protest info here btw: www.nokings.org

Protesters Urged Not To Give Trump Administration Pretext For What It Already Doing LOS ANGELES—Responding to escalating clashes between civilian activists and militarized immigration authorities, Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass publicly urged protesters Monday not to give the Trump adm...

Protesters Urged Not To Give Trump Administration Pretext For What It Already Doing

I have almost no money, but if there's a price attached to him retiring, I will find a way.

We're Not Going to Colonize Mars On Adam Becker's new book and the people who are going to destroy the universe in the name of saving "humanity."

As @adambecker.bsky.social makes clear in his new book, More Everything Forever, we’re not going to colonize Mars. What’s underneath the desire of tech oligarchs to take us there is deeply disturbing. open.substack.com/pub/bibliora...

Ludicrous person. Let's get this Democratic power struggle going already.

MAGA Voter Assumed Trump Would Only Deport People On List She Mailed To White House SAN DIEGO—Shocked by the Immigration and Customs Enforcement raids affecting her very own community, local 43-year-old Jillian Beamer told reporters Monday she had assumed President Donald Trump would...

MAGA Voter Assumed Trump Would Only Deport People On List She Mailed To White House

It’s fine, he’s just got all your personal data. 💊💉

I Don’t Vaccinate My Child Because It’s My Right To Decide What Eliminated Diseases Come Roaring Back

From The Archives: I Don’t Vaccinate My Child Because It’s My Right To Decide What Eliminated Diseases Come Roaring Back theonion.com/i-don-t...

If you tell The Coca-Cola Company about this, that car wash will be rubble before noon.

Dark writing isn't normally disturbing, so I'd be curious to see how they pulled it off.

NYC: Tomorrow, April 23, come celebrate @jasonroeder.bsky.social's "Griefstrike" for being a finalist for The Thurber Prize for American Humor with us. Hosted by @jamesfolta.com & @lukevburns.bsky.social, featuring @joshgondelman.bsky.social, Jen Spyra, JiJi Lee, and Colin Nissan. buff.ly/hSXndYf

Not sure how I feel about that guy, but I'll be there.

A poster that reads McSweeney's and A Newsletter of Humorous Writing present AN EVENING WITH JASON ROEDER & FRIENDS HOSTED BY JAMES FOLTA AND LUKE BURNS A FREE evening of humor readings to celebrate GRIEFSTRIKE! finalist for The Thurber Prize for American Humor Featuring guest readers: JOSH GONDELMAN JIJI LEE JEN SPYRA COLIN NISSAN April 23, 7 P.M. Francis Kite Club New York, NY The poster is bright yellow and features headshots of Jason, the hosts, and all the readers.

Also, James and I are hosting this event to celebrate @jasonroeder.bsky.social and his Thurber Prize-nominated book, Griefstrike!

It's totally free, there's no need to register or rsvp, and it's gonna be a blast. Hope to see you there!

i am fascinated by the outright refusal of people in the professional political commentary class to just consider the possibility that there is no plan and that trump really is a braying idiot with the more acute case of narcissistic personality disorder on record