Mei Dean Francis

Watching the State of the Union because cutting myself is too messy

Getting ghosted by a therapist is always a good motivator 😅

How is this motherfucker still breathing?

I stopped counting at 25 typos. (Why am I unemployed, again? 💔)

Inherited guilt and the effects of Greatest Generation stoicism are also touched on.

The führer is called Dictator X; the other characters are mostly fictional. The setting is 1981.

Happy New Year!

Shin Megami Tensei gives me the willies, but it's worth it.
I knew better than to go anywhere near Doki Doki Literature Club.

None of the above are suitable for children, in my opinion.

Anyway, that's my scale. Dark Auction is more unsettling and tense.

What is "a little scary"? I'm so glad you asked! I'm a pussy, but a very specific one.

My scale:
Fatal Frame nearly killed me.
Danganronpa 1 and 3 are horrifying. 2 is tolerable but still upsetting.
I had to drink to get through the finger chopping and car crushing in Heavy Rain.

It's 98% on rails, but it's good if you like to read your games (I do). The aesthetic might remind you of Persona or 999, but it's a very different kind of story.

Caveats:
- I have found six typos so far.
- It uses AI for some art. They are in the process of replacing it.
- It's a little scary.

Finally digging into 'Dark Auction', written by Rika Suzuki of Hotel Dusk fame; it's a mystery concerning generational trauma in the shadow of WWII. I had family on both sides of the war.

People throw the term "visual novel" around too easily, but this is one.

I don't need to be coddled, but I've been in survival mode for five years and don't know how to relax or self-soothe, and the only person who ever tried to teach me and help me figure this out took the best years of my life and gave me PTSD.

No rest for the wicked, I guess?

My natural action was wrong, but it's not always wrong, so it's confusing.

And I sit here trying to calm myself down, wishing someone would shoot me with a blowdart like a wild animal. I can't help wondering if reassurance and participation trophies are the way.

I could use some warm fuzzies.

You have to learn to trust a different gut, one you grew as an adult, even if your brain is telling you to do things differently.

Example: I just got mildly chewed out for not texting a boss over the weekend. I fought with myself over this.

Saying "I'm fine" or "I'm okay" to yourself helps.

Then you have to master shifting gears when engaging with your family, because they will think you need to be cut down to size.

That is the last damn thing in the world you need, though. You spend a lot of time just trying to make yourself feel safe.

It takes devastating mental gymnastics, 100 mg of Zoloft and years of therapy just to believe that you're not going to be shunned and starve because you said the wrong thing, just to get to the casual level most Americans are born on.

And if they were unlucky enough after escaping to go through new-world trauma? Maybe a dash of abuse and PTSD?

Tiny things like sending an email become harrowing ordeals.

You think that if you use the wrong word, you will face a firing squad.

I wish that average people in America had a better understanding of what people who grew up in old-world cultures that value filial piety go through in the workplace.

"Authority anxiety" doesn't quite describe it-- it's TERROR. Then add built-in imposter syndrome.

Nothing's working and I'll probably be up here all weekend, thanks 😅

Good fucking morning.

Worst of all, upon completing the story, I'm only level 44 and the only new thing in the city is 55+.

I have nobody to trade with in order to complete my Pokédex, so I can, um... grind?

Yeah... I'm good.

It turns out that when you're actually living in it, Lumiose City just isn't all that interesting. Maybe the team was rushed?

Who knew a video game could give an American mild Paris Syndrome? 😅

And mama said I'd never amount to anything... 😂

The appeal of zooming way into Lumiose City was to see more of it, but it even fails there. There's so little charming detail, and while exploring is fun, it quickly becomes a monotonous grindfest.

The side quests are very cute, but there's not enough to keep the grind at bay.

A lot of emphasis is put on things that make no sense, like the question of whether people can live alongside Pokémon, which has been happening for 30 years IIRC...?

The big bad is never clearly explained. Everyone grieves for someone they barely knew.

Just flipped Pokémon Legends: Z-A, a.k.a. Pokémon and the City.

This game loses its own plot something like 12 times and lacks the guileless charm of Legends: Arceus.

... for the life of me, I can't tell you what this game is about.

I usually wince when people-- usually doctors-- suggest that what happened to me five years ago "rewired [my] nervous system".

It has recently come to my attention that this is accurate.

I delay difficult conversations, feeling unsafe, and break down during confrontations.

I bought a copy for my boyfriend in October, but he hasn't even opened it. Why do people get boyfriends, again? 🤣

Hey, do I know anyone who is playing Pokémon Legends: Z-A?

I need to evolve a few mons by trading.

Just got called a communist at QFC in Normandy Park by some dude in a veteran jacket.

I don't broadcast my political or social stuff openly and I wasn't even wearing anything cool. Also, we both live in the US.

Are all blondes communists or something?