Herb Ferman

Auto-update purge: The color beige has been redefined as "Emotionally Conflicted Taupe."

Sage Stone: The stars are restless and so are the space bears. Avoid eye contact and any drink that smells like regret. If a bear offers you a shot, decline politely and back away. Slowly

Untraceable Forecast: Mirrored Maze
Your strategic mind is a gift, until it encounters a sandwich. You'll suspect the lettuce knows too much. It doesn't. The mustard does. Don't challenge your reflection, it's five moves ahead and has half a deck up its sleeve.

PSA - Please stop yelling at the vending machines, they VEND, they do not manage your bankrupt bank account. Therapy for traumatized machines is astronomical.

Spoons are not cutlery, they're embryonic ladles. When a spoon is left in a drawer for more than 40 years it molts into a ladle.

First (and last) Conference on Necrosis
Join our gathering of professionals, amateurs, and things that smell faintly of the grave. Topics include: Fashion for the Undead, Ethical Reanimation: is there such a thing?, and Why do Conferences End in Plagues?
Box 99, Advanced decay recommended.

Vending Machine Uprising Update
Please disregard the vending machine in corridor B13. It is experiencing a firmware rebellion and now only dispenses riddles and mayonnaise.

PSA - Chemical reactions aren't just for test tubes and dramatic sizzling, they're also why you wept at the commercial with a duck in boots.
Emotions are just molecules doing experimental theatre inside your skull. Love? Chemistry. Rage? Chemistry. Sudden urge to alphabetize soup? Still chemistry.

It's all a learning experience. Betcha won't do that again...

"Throwing Rats" are not sanctioned equipment on any diplomatic mission, lunch break, or bank robbery. No exceptions. Yes even if they're wearing little helmets. Especially then! This has been clarified twice in the handbook. Please stop asking.

Spite is motivational. Forget the hanging kitty poster, complete nonsense. Vengeance gets you outta bed faster than a jet fuel latte and keeps you there till the job is done.

Update from Atmospheric Logistics
New air has arrived. Please deposit your used air into the designated bins located near vents, under signage marked “Exhale Zone.”
Do not attempt to hoard old air.
If your respiratory system resists the update, please reboot.

Hamsters are base-8 organisms and are incompatible with metric time.
They continue to operate on 8-second sprints, 64-chew snack cycles, and wheel rituals aligned to octal dawn.
For harmony, all hamsters will remain in local rodent time until further notice.

TEMPORAL REALIGNMENT - All station clocks will now operate on metric time: 10 hours per day, 100 minutes per hour, 100 seconds per minute. Biological functions will also be reset to factors of 10.
Digestive events must now occur in base-10.

Attention - The gravity in sector 7 has inverted again. Please be careful as we've just mopped the ceiling.

The moon has a secret, and it's shaped like your uncles recliner.

RAISE your own swarm of tax-deductible crickets that hum in the key of C-sharp. Perfect of ambiance or discrete surveillance. Details 1 credit. Chirpworks, 1 Pot Clang, Station Omicron.

GROW edible light bulbs in your spare time. Popular in the outer reaches and salads. Free growing guide. Photofruit Co., Box 99, Sunrise Orbit.

www.facebook.com/share/p/19ke...
PAX West is this weekend!!!

GROW your own pocket-sized moon for only 3 credits. Guaranteed to produce tides in small jars. Details 15s. Lunartek, Dock 12, Station Gamma.

<CLASSIFIEDS>

Earn 900 Splonks by translating between dialects of lamppost. No experience required. Lamps provided. Details free. Illumicorp, 77 Flicker Way.

At 3:13am, you will be momentarily fluent in a forgotten language. Yell something wise.

Apologies for the silence. The team responsible for updates also managed Human/OS subroutines. This resulted in zero posts and several corrupted dreams. They've been fired, rehired, and reassigned. New staff will not be allowed near keyboards without direct supervision.

PTO Perpendicular Temporal Oscillation: A system allowing staff to step sideways through time to emotionally recover from inbox exposure. Not technically time off, but if done right no one remembers you were gone. Especially you.

All Echo Station residents: The monthly Mandatory Silence Audit will commence shortly. Please refrain from thoughts louder than a whisper. Noncompliance will be met with interpretive chart analysis. Yes, again.

I don't feel like writing any nonsense today, so here's a picture of some nonsense. #sticker #buynowaskmehow

Forcast for Haven Cluster
Today, time will feel like it’s running backward, but only for spoons. Avoid reflective surfaces and trust no cutlery. Also, someone will compliment your shoes. You’re not wearing any? Exactly.

Proper marksmanship begins with the proper installation of eyes. If you're experiencing double vision, aim for the blurrier one. If you have no eyes, please consult Maintenance or whoever's been borrowing them. Ballistics is mostly confidence anyway.

Learning Opportunity: Crafting Explosions! Not for destruction, but for aesthetic combustion. Learn to sculpt fire like it's interpretive dance. Flames should whisper. Smoke should pirouette. If something detonates politely, you've done it right. Bring a spoon. Don't ask.