Hi! My name is Paul

mr president sir theres a story coming about how you intervened to help a sex criminal. no sir, not that sex criminal you helped….no not that one either…sir, please stop guessing sex criminals that you helped. ill give you a hint sir, hes a trafficker. no sir, not that trafficker a different one

Doesn't "Only Murders in the Building" already fill this niche?

Reposting with alt-text

Following your dreams becomes easier as you get older and downgrade them from lofty ambitions like winning the Super Bowl to more realistic goals like finding a nice pair of warm, comfy slippers for the winter.

I was told there would be no questions about resume gaps

Here’s the truth: you’re never a disturbance, never a waste of time. If only you knew.

DO NOT CHALLENGE ME

"It's free with every 10th hospitalization."

"But I have the flu!"

"Quiet. Just count back from 100."

I have a pen that can write underwater.

It can also write other words too.

Due to a regrettable typesetting error at the printer, our latest run of "Hans Christian Andersen's Fairy Tales" must be recalled from the stores. Parents who have already bought the book, please accept our sincerest apologies, and tell your children there is no such thing as The Ugly Dicklung.

when you wear a size 9.5 shoe but the 8.5 was on sale

That little chunk of a retrovirus that infected one of your primate ancestors 25 million years ago, is still in your genome, and when it works normally it helps you give birth.

When it fucks up, it gives you multiple sclerosis

This is a horrifying example of misogynoir in medicine.

A pregnant black woman is left in the waiting room, screaming in agony & in active labour.

The nurse barely even acknowledges her.

Black women have the highest maternal mortality in the country, and black babies have highest infant mortality

Just say it came in that color.

Picture of some of the children Megyn Kelly believes were "barely legal."

Fuck you Megyn Kelly. These are the children Megyn Kelly believes were "barely legal."

Not "young women." Not "barely legal." Children.

Tim Miller hits this right on the nose. There should be universal disgust and condemnation of anyone trying to explain it away.

youtu.be/3ToBlvZZxJ4?...

The soft pedaling language being used to describe the men in the Epstein files is enraging.

They didn’t “have sex with underage girls”.

They raped them.

Sex implies consent.

The survivors deserve better than this. Use the correct language. Say what these men did.

"Fear is pain in the future."

Extortionist language.

"Fear is pain in the future"

Spoken as if he was a deep thinker, but has hidden salience in as an extortionist and enabler of men who raped children, allegedly.

Donald awakes, a weeping 14yo girl in his bed. His dear friend whispers: "Fear is pain in the future."

They review the tape together.

There are two kinds of dogs

Back in 2004 ago a guy won a "lifetime" supply of clam chowder that turned out to mean one can a day for 3 years.

He experimented with living on clam chowder, figuring out what he could make with it. Sandwiches, bread, cakes, ice cream, pizza, etc.

Goon a movie?

Goon Will Hunting

Affinity’s shift to a freemium model has users wondering if that free glass of water comes with a hidden fee—are we getting a taste or just setting the table for disappointment? https://thesixthlense.com/article/affinitys-freemium-move-are-we-dining-with-the-devil-or-just

Already? I swear Exploding Whale season starts earlier and earlier every year.

there’s was a whale under there and this photo is right before the whale rained down on everyone

another successful exploding whale day here in the us of a, let’s see if we can top it next year

Stockholm Syndrome is actually very nice and I love it now

I'm unintentionally making cheese 24-7. See my Insta for tips!

And using it to clean their ears. As I would.

i'm glad the Barenaked Ladies never got their hands on that million dollars... all the crap they were gonna do with it was so stupid and annoying. dijon ketchup. go fuck yourself

Triggered