Eric Replatformed

Sitting on an all-inclusive Caribbean beach with an 88 year old family member talking about what we want to eat and he says "soup".

Hashtag FacePalmTree

Me at confession: I committed all 7 deadly sins in one afternoon.

Priest: Tell me more

Me: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I made love to his wife and drank all his booze without sharing.

Priest: You forgot pride

Me: oh I’m pretty damn proud of it

Panic! in the panic room. fully expected

Spammin' Me to the tune of Jammin' Me by Tom Petty

I am outta here

I am paying someone to have sex in my home. No, its not prostitution, get your mind out of the gutter. My son and his girlfriend are dog sitting for a few days.

Leave for vacation tomorrow, next Monday I will deal with the messes I am leaving behind at work.

I live somewhere between playing my cards right & not playing with a full deck.

Diamonds are forever and so are marinara sauce stains

Every time I get the silent treatment I write down what I did to cause it so I can do it again down the road.

Sunday saddies setting in

do you think ducks are upset we call bad doctors “quacks”

"24" season 2 writers room

Writer 1: So Kim Bauer has 2 functioning brain cells, who should we pit her against?

Writer 2: I dunno, a mountain lion?

Writer 1: fucken genius!

Barron already getting his bone-spurs checked so he can duck the draft created by his daddy's actions.

DOCTOR: The news is bad. It may be time to put your affairs in order

ME: [awkward whisper] Dude, my wife is like, right there.

ME: I'd like mine medium-well please

WAITER: Sir, this is a breakfast buffet. You make your own toast.

At least I‘ll never have to worry about someone using my photos for a catfish account

Turns out the schnauser next door is Al Queda

I got into a physical altercation with somebody who dissed Homer’s epic poems. I took a beating but you Odyssey the other guy.

An old lady is strolling Miami Beach when she sees an old man lying in the sun so she tries to get to know him
“Do you like musicals?” she asks
“No” he replies
“Do you like traveling?”
“No”
She thinks.
“Do you like pussycats?”
He says “yes…..& how did you know my last name?

After the police had that talk with me, I learned that being a person of interest and an interesting person are two different things.

Cooking chicken legs, I’m frying without wings.

90% of the anger I have towards my son is caused by being jealous of his footie pajamas

if i had a plastic lavender plant i would probably still find a way to unintentionally kill it

I gave the dog a bath and ran the vacuum cleaner, so now I have intel on every dog sleeper cell in the country.

When I nap, I'm actually contributing to society, by not posting a lot of shit.

If you didn't follow overnight, Israel announced their operation name (Shield of Judea), changed it (The Lion's Roar), and then we got Epic Fury from the US. I'm still not sure they've found a name that's adequately compensatory, though.

Please listen carefully as our menu options changed once like 7 and half years ago.

*me looking directly into imaginary camera:
I spend an alarming amount of time pretending I am on a reality television show