Eric Replatformed

Unexpected item in the bagging area? Where exactly would you have me keep my Glowing Obelisk while I’m using the self checkout?

“Now streaming“

- Me, after 5-6 beers

Waiting for someone to hack this account and write some decent posts.

They call it "Ole Miss" because "Young Miss" sounded too pervy.

All this time I thought rage bait was when an incel is going to town on his no-no's.

After carefully studying the various drug side effects listed in the commercials, I’ve finally reached a decision to ask my doctor if Placebo is right for me.

My dad turns 79 tomorrow, and my oldest son turns 29 in a couple weeks. I remain 35 eternally.

Hello, ibuprofen, my old friend
I walked too far today again
*shakes bottle like maracas*

I don't drink wine because someone's feet have probably been in there

My brain can remember a random event from 10 years ago, but can easily forget why I walked into a room 10 seconds ago.

Oh. Good. More. Snow.

All of Ingmar Bergman's films had bitter Swede endings.

Going back to dial-up so I get my bad news slower

Take me down to Salt Lake City where the grass is green and the water's gritty

Gus Johnson has a huge schtick.

Me: Wanna go out for breakfast?

Wife: Sure! I just have to take a shower. *showers, gets dressed and puts on make-up*

Me: Where do you want to have lunch?

One of my greatest joys in the world is watching people on the sledding hill take each other out like bowling pins

BYU being a Mormon university gives an entirely different meaning to "third down conversion".

pleased to announce that i am no longer a hot mess (it’s winter and i’m a cold mess)

This year, give everyone those Easter eggs you just found while doing a deep clean of your house.

When you bury me can you leave one leg out of the casket so I don't get hot?

A movie about a young brilliant janitor at Harvard who becomes a celebrated math genius (but only in baseball stats).

Call it Good Will Bunting.

The average woman spends 5 years of her lifetime trying to decide what to wear.

Using tanning creams is stolen pallor.

It only takes one of me to change a light bulb. A heavy bulb, I might need help.

Husband is out in the road talking to the neighbors across the street but I’m doing my usual duck and hide in the garage because I haven’t forgiven them for knocking on the door unannounced that one time two years back and I’ll not be encouraging that behavior!

I’m on an elementary school trip and one little boy is just screaming at a group of kids that “GOD DOESN’T LIKE IT WHEN YOU SAY SIX/SEVEN!” and for once I agree with a fundie.

The day I found out that a scissor lift and a cherry picker are not sex moves was a sad day for me

Play that perfunctory music white boy.