Eric Replatformed

I shouldn’t be boozing on a Sunday night, but here we are.

Just had yogurt and berries for a snack because I have my annual checkup Tuesday and I want to be in tip-top shape for it.

There should be some kind of rule against a movie with more than 5 characters where two onscreen characters refer to an offscreen character by their name (which I can't remember) instead of defining physical trait like "big nose" or "has beard" or "was in that one show" etc...

Granola: No matter how much you eat, you're exactly as hungry as when you started™

Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was this desk I bought from Wayfair.

I woke up at the crack of 10:15

So the opening credits then?

I’m ten cliches in with this crime drama.

Does this dressing make me look fat?

- food insecurity

Ben Folds Five is named after the phenomenon where you can only fold guys named Ben a set number of times before it becomes physically impossible to fold them due to the doubling of thickness each fold

Beating someone to death with an olive branch as a bit

i read the news so you don’t have to and today’s summery is: 😱

Epstein and Maxwell: Teen work makes the dream work!

A local personal trainer was caught dealing drugs. I’ve been going to him for years and thought I knew the guy, but I never had any idea he was a personal trainer.

Oh, the lyrics are "standing in the middle of life with my plans behind me"?
*puts pants back on*

(swapping mediocre jokes about exposed torso) that’s a midriff

Just know that if I say I picked up a hot chick at the local club, I mean a rotisserie chicken at Costco.

Was about to use the powder room 🚽 and my daughter walked out and said “do not use that for the next 3-5 business days”.

I’ve never been so proud.

I haven't been feeling well. I've got butterflies in my stomach, ants in my pants, a frog in my throat and a bug up my ass.

I found a bunch of skins shed near the foundation to our place. I can only conclude that a family of onions is living there.

"The cornfields are so beautiful this time of year." I say loudly as we pass a million ears of corn.

[Always compliment them. The corn is listening]

My reaction to citronella suggests that I may in fact be part mosquito

My mind ran 10,000 miles today . . . all in circles. Yet my smartwatch didn't capture that.

Sweatpants and Disney t-shirt today because it is my first day of second grade

If it weren't for horrible drivers, my children wouldn't have such an extensive vocabulary.

When I say I'm "crunching the numbers" at work, it means I'm playing sudoku.

With friends like these who needs a room full of strangers booing you at an open mic

I was gangly, she had nice tits so we made the best of it

- Cliff Notes Night Moves

Bardstown police department looking for a suspect that purloined 700 bucks worth of Little Debbie Snack Cakes, possibly driving a red pick em up truck

I'm not saying it was me, but would you like a case of oatmeal cream pies?

I have secured a ride to the airport later this week. I have consumed string cheese. I did both things simultaneously. Take THAT, alcoholic high school guidance counselor who forgot to send my transcripts to the colleges I applied to.