FreeRangeMattress

(Interrupting a scientist presenting groundbreaking research) actually we don’t know shit about fuck

IT'S A STAR WAR NOW, COOP. THEY CAN BLOW UP PLANETS. WHOLE PLANETS BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS. IMAGINE IT COOP. NOW THAT'S REALLY SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT. I PLAN ON WRITING AN EPIC POEM ABOUT THIS. BUT LATER. RIGHT NOW I'M HOPING FOR SOME GOOD NEWS FROM YOU, COOP. IT'S AWFUL DARK IN SPACE AT THE MOMENT.

my doctor says it’s terminal unless I surgically remove the groove in my heart

Make the puking emoji more realistic, cowards

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

you can't make me live más

For eons, if you wanted to sit in a waffle pocket like a maple syrup hot tub, either you got shrunken way down or the waffle got blown way up. What if I told you there’s another way

Dr. Seuss struggling not to rhyme as he delivers his dad’s eulogy

3: Do you feel a little sick?
Me: Yeah.
3: Good

A record on a record store wall: “stock car demolition derby sound effects from islip (Long Island) speedway” the cover has photos of 1950s cars mid-derby

the record stays ON during sex

Starships move in 3 dimensions and don't *have* to face each other head-on, but I was still fired from Star Trek for making the ships look like they're 69ing each other

At 9:18, 3rd period of the Finland-Switzerland women's ice hockey QF game, the ice crew came to clean the ice during a pause

What follows is the funniest use of the slo-mo alternate angle tech I've seen them use during these Olympics of one of the crew members falling

watching tv this morning when my four year old turns to his father and says, “daddy? what’s cleveland?” you think you’ll have more time before these kinds of difficult conversations.

Unfortunately even if you could open a portal to the Bluey Dimension, you would not be able to happily live in Dog Australia. To talking dogs, a human would be a horrific abomination and you’d be immediately locked up by the dog government for medical experimentation

There’s no fighting in Olympic hockey but there’s also not a rule about punching your own teammate in the back of the head

They should give Olympic figure skaters 15 points for ending the routine by going full speed into the boards

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

A cool part of growing up they don’t warn you about is eventually you realize no one is coming to save you so you get to spend the rest of your life alternating between trying your damndest to save yourself and being on the verge of total collapse

ME: hi i’m here for literal club

WORKER: *holding clipboard* what is your name

ME: no it isn't

In my happy place (exhausted, bent 90 degrees at the waist, eyes closed, forehead resting on top of my crossed arms on the kitchen counter, contemplating never returning to an upright position again)

Just got around to watching Luca. Cute film. Wholesome coming of age story, fun sea monsters. Makes me wish Italy was real

"I'm an adult, which means no one can stop me from having more coffee," I scream to an empty flat, ignoring my vibrating fingers

Watching children learn is amazing I say as my 1 year old repeatedly pulls my hair and says “owww”

Are you ever so tired you're like, "Maybe... I'm dead?"

The other night I dreamed that there was something like the Kardashev scale to see how advanced a civilization was but instead of measuring how much energy they had harnessed it was whether or not they had yet created SpongeBob

Your stripper name is “gross” plus your first name

Just divide by zero who gives a shit anymore

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

The page cookies you so I can buy ads to trash talk at you that follow you around the web after you view it even when you’re not at trivia

Screencap from The Simpsons where Moe is holding a picture a child drew of him where he is labeled “Mr. Stinky”, with stink lines and everything

Halfway through the game it becomes a picture of the host from that night that looks like this