clay

im so lucky to have found someone who seriously loves me so much. he loves me more than ive ever seen anyone love anybody in my life. i mean that. it totally changed my perspective of what love could look like. like i am so insanely lucky.

i actually do feel mostly good about it but him being preoccupied is sorta different for me. but it is a good thing that i need to get used to.

im being so good right now my boyfriend is on a date and im the normalest about it

share the same values as my mother and to an extent, me, i guess. and those are not great values truthfully. there are lots of people who reach out to me who i don’t think much about because it is so unconscious to me. but it should not be that way and i think i will make an active effort to change.

arbitrary standard. and i think it really actually has stunted my ability to make connections with other people because my brain associates neutral things with being good. my pool of wonderful people i could better get to know becomes limited to people who

i think that my mom instilled in me like some very weird ideas about who i was supposed to and not supposed to be friends with. and while i have deconstructed a lot of those things i think i am finding i still have this subconscious aversion to being friends with people’s who dont meet a certain

having adhd is like having a baby in my brain and i always have to figure out wtf it needs and why its screaming at me and how to tell it no

that much I can still have a good time doing the activity we were gonna do. They just don’t ask a whole lot of questions about me so it’s sorta weird.

I was gonna go on a date w this person today and maybe still am? but they have barely texted me today or yesterday which I just find kinda weird for a first hang out. I have the biggest urge to cancel 😭 and just go by myself. But it’s okay I might just be prejudging, even if I end up not liking them

i wanna cry really hard i just want to feel understood I feel so overwhelmed I was so excited to have a nice relaxing end to my night and it just totally turned to shit

true that tbh

sometimes i still worry hes cheating bc hes so impulsive and i forgave him the first time. sometimes it feels like he doesn’t want to get to know all of me. but idk if i think thats true in my heart

i just wanna be comforted idk. it sucks he was so crabby today and i ended up comforting him. i know he has a lot going on and probably doesnt have the bandwidth but i feel like i always hold space for him even when i maybe dont have it in me. maybe thats on me to enforce that.

sigh

i had a pretty bad panic attack today and he was just so sweet and so understanding and so helpful and he didnt freak out or worry me and he really listened to me and understood and didnt take it personally and just made sure i had what i needed. im just so lucky.

but still i just feel so tired

the world has been moving so quickly for so long now… im just asking it to slow down a little bit. i do get moments of quiet, like when my boyfriend cooks me something or when my best friend uses the other name i use. i know things will get better in my heart, if not for me than for someone else.

YAAY! proud of u!

i love my bf so much, i get so scared of losing him

also these stereotypes JUSTIFY cruelty. i know u think ur being progressive by segregating people but ur just excusing bad behavior 😭

like what makes these people so dissociated from an ENTIRE HALF of the population. ur really gonna block people from feeling an emotion or having a reaction because of their genitalia?? 😭 so weird

bruh gender roles are suffocating our collective ability to build relationships 😭 every time i hear some stupid shit about how men are biologically disposed to misogyny or how women dont like to be “the man” in a situation im like can you please be normal. thats a human being across from you.

Anyway, it’s okay. A lot of it is my job. I know my goal isn’t to do this career forever. Maybe when I leave the state I’ll do something less stressful or with a smaller caseload.

Plus, I always feel more fulfilled when I am focusing on myself and my friendships and I hate getting too engulfed in my relationships. But idk that’s where I’m at rn until I have more free time.

I hate being the codependent boyfriend who doesn’t talk to anyone but him but also I’m just so overwhelmed I only have enough energy to dedicate time to like 2 people. I am really thankful to have a handful of friends who reach out to me first but I feel bad that I can’t be more involved.

i feel really lonely recently. and really crappy. even though i have friends who check up on me and love me and do so much for me. idk whats wrong with me.

i am just feeling reallyreally triggered. i know hes not the type to do this but i just feel really overlooked.

and now i havd to go to his house tomorrow where she hS appearantly decided to stay whth her parents to prove how much she dislikes me ? and im just supposed to put my feelings on the backburbdr. i know his boundaries are important and fair but i feel a little cheated

i wanna cry really really bad. im so fucking stressed i have hives al over my body. i let my gusrd down enough to falk abt it and we immediately have to stop bc hes overwhelmed.

i want to cry really bad . hes been venting go me for a week about how horrible his roommate has been to him and how mad she is that im appearantly stealing him and the lengths shes going to mKe a point of how much she dislikes me and fbe minute i vent ab how its impactd me is when he needs a break