Richard Persimmons

I used to work with this girl who, when I would grab apple sauce packets from the freezer snack basket, would ask “aren’t those for babies?” And every time I would be like babes this is an office park in the suburbs there are no babies here.

Yes the brain worms were too strong to not skeet it

In an old house in Paris covered in vibes

I don’t mean to brag but my doctor said I could eat solid foods

I’m the birthday grape

Just kidding it’s my appendix!

In JD Vance’s America, if you don’t use your ovaries by age 36 they’ll explode on your birthday

🎶shark boy and lava girl and you across my table 🎶

“I hate technology” and yet you’re drinking out of a ceramic mug. Curious…

I’m rereading a book I first read probably 15 years ago and remembered a joke from it literally one page before they made it, but there was a typo that ruined the joke!!!!!!!!! A rollercoaster of emotions

Sure I could have gone to one of the parties I was invited to but I appear to have chosen to sob in bed and text my ex instead

Hey Bluesky what does it mean if a man you’ve only interacted with in a professional manner doesn’t recognize you after you drastically reduce the size of your tits? Because I can’t stop replaying an interaction from 18 months ago.

People keep laughing it off when I say I’m having a midlife crisis but I am

Inventing the concept of a work exhusband

A picture of Mary Wollstonecraft pasted over the poster for the 1996 movie The Craft. Your guess is as good as mine.

Couldn’t get it out of my head

She told me to move back to New York today. I’ve never lived in New York.

(I’m not gonna)

What if I actually start using this account to be bitchy

“Hey I noticed you failed to read my mind after I did not reply your direct question. It turns out you did it wrong. This is your fault for some reason.”

Get you a girl whose keening wail can be heard from across the bog, an omen of things to come

My quest to turn myself into everything the right hates has me with four tattoos, two nose rings and pink hair. I want it to be immediately clear that I am their enemy and I will fight

I also saw sketch comedy tonight and got to feel smug(?) as one of the first people in the audience to recognize the home improvement theme song

Tonight an uber driver guessed I was 28 and when I said this to the party, a girl who was 21 guessed that I was 24. When I told her my real age she told me I’m closer in age to her parents than her

My dad got mad when we called it the snake room because some lizards also lived there. He insisted it should be the reptile room. I only got to use the guest room if there weren’t other guests like my grandparents visiting.

Our house was just like anyone else’s growing up, there was my parents’ bedroom, my brother’s room, my sister’s room, the guest room and the snake room. Exactly how you’d split the rooms when you had five people and 100 snakes. Yes I am the middle child, why do you ask?

Man on feeld in front of a cyber truck. Profile says he’s looking to be cucked it’s like duh

People keep laughing it off when I say I’m having a midlife crisis but I am

Hey quick question what is sleep how do you do it

Text exchange- Person A: waited until I was saying goodbye to lift my pant leg all the way up to show my friend my tattoo Classy Person B: that’s the first word that comes to mind when I describe you “She shows off her butt tattoo in a real classy way”

Got my ass

Friends I am begging you: if your friend at a party expresses a need to sit please migrate the conversation circle to include them.