Toby 🇵🇸

It’s Monday morning and I’m in an awkward stand-off with reality

Critics accusing me of being a hopeless romantic can just sweep me off my feet and kiss me passionately

When He said “Let there be light” who was He talking to?

When I whispered in her ear, “You’re the only woman I think about”, I should’ve mentioned all the men

When I said “Get Well Soon”, I meant, “Suffer A Little Longer”

Coincidences are weird! That’s the fourth bar of soap to hit me today

“Let me count the ways I love you”, she said, introducing the concept of negative numbers

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

This largely ignored social-media post is for everyone who said I’d never amount to anything

NOW she's annoyed because I said my next girlfriend will be real

“Waiter!”

- “Sir?”

“This water?”

- “Sir?”

“My date-I SAID I’LL HANDLE IT-My date says it’s MILLIONS of years old”

It’s called Trash Can, not Trash Can’t.

Shout out to my mutuals for making my posts look so good

Thank you!

[The Rapture]

Me: *watching my dog float away*

Me: “It's important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important. Grab the rope”

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] it’s okay, just go on without me

I’ve been on Bluesky for a thousand days! I want them back

No one in this ball pit is taking me seriously.

Apologies for the deterioration in the quality of my posts recently. I’ve been leading a fulfilling and meaningful life

After redefining success (with the help of binary) I’m a lot happier about my notifications

One of the best things about being British is peacefully electing a new King

I’m thinking about getting a dog. Anything would be better than this honey badger

waiter: can I take your order?

me: you haven’t even brought it yet

Other accounts may jest and joke, but mine is strictly factual

I live in a “flat” which has three sets of stairs

Could someone please explain to my landlord that a gimp is NOT a pet?

Everything I learn about sport is against my will

Perfect!

Dammit! There was far too much joy in the world already