architect alex

Me siento de la chingada. Años de información perdida en mi iPhone solo porque la chingadera decidió no actualizarse bien.

I woke up, couldn’t cry, couldn’t feel sad, couldn’t anything but to just be. And I felt ok like that.

I want to always feel that. Nothing.

Not feeling anything, not being able to cry.
The only other time I felt like that was during the last bit of summer that same year.

Laying in bed, my heart has been torn apart for the first time, somehow, and I was… ok for the first time in weeks.

I remember when I didn’t feel anything when Demian told me he was going to disappear from my life back in October 2022… I remember I wanted to cry but I couldn’t, and I was ok with it.

I’ve been so used to cry… when things go bad. When I’m rejected.

I like to cry, I like to feel the tears coming out, I like to feel the despair.

I like it.

But I don’t really want it. If I could go on forever without crying again. Without feeling…

Ojalá… no tuviera planes de terminar todo a los 27.

Estoy lo suficientemente consciente para oler el alcohol al exhalar por mi nariz. Me agrada. Puedo ser yo. Yo sin filtro pero al mismo tiempo pasando por un neurotípico un tanto extrovertido.

Ojalá siempre fuera así. Ojalá está versión de mi fuera suficiente para las personas.

Decidí que no iba a tomar al salir, mi cuerpo no toma el alcohol de la misma manera que antes, necesito menos para ebriedad, y mi comportamiento ahora es distinto al que solía tener antes… dolía ser más animoso, más tonto… ahora tengo demasiados traumas, vicios, resaltan otros aspectos de mí…

Hoy no vine a quejarme de mi vida, aunque sin duda podría.

Vine a decir lo mucho que amo oler, saborear, y sentir el alcohol cuando respiro.

No estoy ebrio, tipsy, algo, quizá. Litro y medio de Viña Real de durazno me sirvió para ponerme de buenas…

And you feel alone and shit.

But you’re too coward to do it.

Just leave. Drop yourself. You know where and when. As quick a one tiny leap of faith.

But you’re too coward to do it.

You should leave.

You should leave.

You should leave.

Way worse. And they all know it. And you can’t even work on yourself.

And everybody smell how rotten you are, and they know better, and they leave.

Am I that hard to want and to love?! Why do I even ask, of course I fucking am, no one even wants me in a fucking dark room.

YOURE FUCKING DAMN HIDEOUS. You’re ugly and disgusting and no one wants you.

And it’s not just physical. Inside, you’re worse.

I’m ugly. I’m not enough. I’m irritating. I don’t deserve.

And there’s a lot of people that want the same, but not with me.

And they’ve explicitly said so.
They show it.

I want to be hold, to be chosen. I want to feel like I’m attractive to someone. I want to feel loved by someone. I want to feel pleasure from someone.

I want to hurt myself. I’ve done it already, I’ve exposed myself to grave danger, I’ve exposed myself to being awfully rejected, and it’s not enough. Sabotaging myself falls short. I need to make myself bleed. Hurt. Beyond repair.

But even then, I’m too tired.

You totally do, alch sí te urge un psicólogo we, mega sí

Maybe he just wanted a friend and I’m ruining it.

Maybe I just got too attached at nothing.

Dani de verdad te extraño un vergo, eras la única con la que podía ser completamente vulnerable… pero ya no puedo serlo. Y después fue Alexis pero tampoco puedo serlo ya…

De verdad me siento tan solo. Y no lo estoy, sé qué no pero… yo me pongo solo en estas situaciones, es mi culpa.

BUT HEY, at least I knew I was right. I was being used.

Soy un pendejo. De verdad lo soy.
Y esta vez genuinamente no me di cuenta. Aunque yo creo que … ni sé qué sucedió.

Soy un pendejo. No es autismo, no es ingenuidad, sólo soy pendejo. Yo me pongo solito. Es mi culpa. Y me tendré que aguantar.

So… I’ll try to continue being invisible, I’ll try to stop having stupid crushes that turns into obsession. Cause it’s cute to pass by someone’s classroom when you’re 15 but not 10 years later.

I’ll just disappear if possible.
Who’s gonna miss this?
Only my mother.

And he has ten million of dudes, with whom he’s having sex and talking about kinks and gaga and everything I could not give him.

Now this guy could really easily crash out with the other guy, it’s just the other way and a a transfer and then to walk a bit.

Idk, maybe I deserve this kinds of relationships.

What do I have to offer but whatever I can give them?

I don’t have value of my own. I’m just here to please, and I can’t even do that. She has ten million of other friends to complain about this dude, there a reason she didn’t call you this weekend

She just sends me messages when she wants to complain about the partner she chose (despite ‘everything’), and he only wanted to… I don’t know, talk about Gaga for a like three days and then disappear, and the other one wanted to get a place to crash after the festival.

I really do hate feeling used… I hate feeling that the only way someone could be interested in me is by needing something from me. I like feeling like I’m needed. But I know a relationship of whatever kind cannot be based on favours.