Andy-isms

Hey Guys.... going as witches this Halloween? Be sure to wear some assless chaps for Halloween. They will give you a better grip on your broomstick…

For Halloween, I am wearing nothing but roller skates and going as a pull toy.

Anyone have a truck I can borrow tomorrow? I need to return these bodies I borrowed for Halloween back to John's work.

Guess who I ran into today while going to the eye doctor?.....Everyone!

Bring fun to a hit and run by telling the cops...
"You'll never guess who I bumped into last week"

Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.

Definition of Scary: A haunted house filled with spouses saying "I'M FINE"

*Me training to be a detective*
Husband: You're using the police dogs wrong.
Me: (watching 3 dogs barking at a criminal in the interrogation room) Just give them 5 more minutes...

Some people are really going all out for Halloween. The guy driving behind me even has sirens and flashing lights to go with his cop costume.

“You gotta put yourself out there”
I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus

If you are a Veteran or Current Military Member, Stop by a Great Clips on November 11th and get a FREE haircut or, a card for a free haircut to use at a later date! (SPREAD THE WORD)

With the amount of gas my husband released last night, one static charge could make my whole house kaboom.

Ahhhh Miami...how I don't miss you at all...

I love the look on people's faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past. It's partly why I became a bus driver.

The weatherman said today will be in the 70s so I am dressed in bell bottom jeans. polyester shirt and platform shoes.

You won't let me into the club? Well maybe my friend Benjamin Franklin can persuade you. (Come back 30 minutes later in a powdered wig, holding a kite)

I like go to Walmart for condoms and ask the pharmacist where the fitting rooms are to see what they say.

They should of been more specific on what kind of hair you could donate. That took forever to grow.

Just Rinsed a Jam jar with 300 gallons of hot water so it can be recycled, just doing my part to save the Earth.....

I shaved my commute time in half by taking the police lights and siren of my husbands car and putting them on mine

For me, the hardest part of the driving test was escaping before the car filled with lake water

I like to walk up to strangers and ask "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes, I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

Is that a thesaurus in your pocket are you just ebullient to see me?

The best way to get out of a ticket is to reach for your license and registration then throw up a cloud of baby powder and vanish into the backseat.

When at the urinal with another guy next to me, I like to yell, "BELLAGIO WATER SHOW!" and then slowly move my stream to his urinal and back.

What do you call a dead blonde under the porch?
Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says, "Tonight is gonna be a good night. I can smell the dick in the air." The other says, "Sorry, I just burped."