Andy-isms

...and then I was like DUDE! and he was like DUDE! and I was like DUDE! and he was like DUUUDE!! and I was like DUUUUUUDE!
-Handing my business card to a fellow boomer.

Motivational Message: Marrying a person isn’t the only way to take someone's name, there’s also identity theft

Girls on their period always ovary act.

Apparently this guy at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, Sir. My bad.

I don't worry when two shopping carts are stuck together, I just go with it and use both...or three. Today I had a row of ten.

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

Shameless selfie I took of myself at the gym this morning...

I just wiped a tear from my cheek. Or maybe it was pee..

Me: I'm innocent, except for that hit and run a few years back
Lawyer: I didn't hear that
Me: I SAID I'M INNOCENT EXCEPT FOR THAT HIT AND RUN A FEW YEARS BACK

[after my murder]
Cop: Can you think of why anyone would want to kill him?
John: Yes as a matter of fact I can...*pulls out projection screen and begins a power point presentation of 8 years of my facebook posts*

I exercise religiously. Which means I go to the gym, dressed as the Pope.

Relationship advice: Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

Me: *making tiny wigs for birds*
Bald Eagle: Finally!

I'm really into innuendo, if you know what I mean.

My oven does this really fun thing where it pretends it's a fireplace anytime John uses it.

For Lent I'm giving up my New Years resolution.

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers

Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

Went to the bathroom without my phone...There's 127 floor tiles and the longest word on a shampoo bottle is "Methylchloroisothiazolinone."

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

My Facebook password's been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the dog!

Me: *on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyone's staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy matrimony

I think stilettos are so stupid... plus they make my feet hurt after wearing them all day.

There's some things in life that money just can't buy, for everything else...There's Oral Sex.

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten their flu vaccine.
-inspirational quote

My other status is being held for evidence...

I don't care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.