Yubi - Give a knave an inch, and he'll take an ell

A photo of the front of a Walmart super centre.

A small food interlude to say I WENT TO THE WALMART. I EXPERIENCED THE WALMART. I WAS HUGELY OVERWHELMED BY THE WALMART. I THINK I LOVED THE WALMART. I got so lost in it I couldn’t find the check out. It was the size of 2 1/2 Big Tescos. It was Incredible. 10/10 experience.

I do not have a toaster, I have a microwave alas, but if I find honey ones I’ll try them!

Teach me the ways

A packet of strawberry and peanut butter uncrustables.

Now this… this was Fucking Disgusting. I had high hopes, North America. I had dreams. American dreams. And these too crumbled into peanut buttery jelly dust. God these are gross. And no I didn’t eat a frozen one. Foul. Crimes. Heinous. A cruelty. Children love these?!? 0/10.

A stack of pancakes covered in whipped cream, bananas, Nutella, and pancake syrup. There’s also a slice of melon and some butter in packets.

Breakfast yesterday was a stack of banana Nutella pancakes and hoo boy. Y’all are the kings of break-ssert. Desfast. It was so much. It was so sweet. It was so banana and so Nutella and I couldn’t finish it. 10/10.

A packet of original flavour hickory sticks.

Now this was a suggestion from a dear reader, and my god, these are GOOD. Well done Canada, applause all round. Crunchy, potato-y, genuinely savoury, but a difficult size to eat. One by one is too slow, but take a big handful and 20-30% of your hickory sticks will be down your top. 9/10.

A bar of strawberry flavoured Laffy Taffy

Onto some more snacks, me thinks.

I did not know which flavour was the original, so I went with strawberry.

This was a nightmare of sensation. So sticky as to have melded with the wrapper, so chemically and faux, I managed to somehow get it on like 3 things. This is a Ruiner of Days. 6/10.

Okay what is better about the other one because the mug one was SO bad I cannot imagine an improvement

It was SO bad omg

My dessert and salad to a huge, lovely Vietnamese family celebrating a birthday.

The meat was good because there was so much of it, but idk if it was good bbq, you know?

8/10, you could feed an army on that meal and they’d still not finish it.

A huge plate of food covered in slabs of meat, ribs, and veg. Next to it is a side salad and a cream cake thing.

The buffet option was genuinely bonkers amount of food for $20. My ghast was flabbered, I was shooketh. Alas I have no banana for scale. This was a salad, various veg, two SLABS of beef, another slab of beef but a different cut, some ribs, all slathered in sauce, and a cake. I ended up giving away—

There was that too!!!

Lost our $5 immediately, but on the third we were up to $7 so we cashed out and took it to the cashier lady, who was sweetly bemused at our excitement over our ‘winnings’. It was a lot of fun but I could see myself on a bad day losing $$$ at a place like that. Also so different from UK casinos.

Rows on rows of slot machines at a casino.

On my return to Calgary my travel colleague and I decided to go to the casino and have the special bbq buffet option.

The casino was a garish fever dream. We went in with $15 in coins only to discover the machines only took notes, so we sheepishly changed them at the desk. On two machines we —

Two packets of twizzlers, one cherry and one strawberry, with two twizzlers next to them.

I was asked by a colleague to bring back Twizzlers, so of course I had to try one. I think I might need to set up a medical intervention for my colleague because this was one of the worst things I’ve ever put in my mouth. Smell of Febreeze. Texture of babybel wax. Taste of Regret and Death. 1/10.

A bottle of water from the Gatorade brand.

Now this was a total novelty buy. Eau de Gatorade?!?! Gatorade water?!? Friends, I had to.

It tastes like someone had coconut water in a glass and then didn’t rinse it properly before pouring you some water in it. 8/10. Intriguing. A little lost, perhaps. Very interesting girth and size.

A plate of deep fried broccoli and a dipping sauce.

A plate of mushroom ravioli with garlic bread.

Lunch was with two friends so we went to the only veggie place in Banff, and it was DELISH. Tempura fried broccoli and mushroom pasta. 10/10 for each, no notes, except why the fuck did someone put strawberries on my pasta.

Hot chocolate in an orange cup, an almost finished croissant, and a huge cinnamon roll.

Breakfast on Friday morning was again not Unique, but delish. A hot chocolate, a cheese and ham croissant (demolished) and a cinnamon roll.

10/10, 10/10, 9/10 respectively. There was a little too much frosting on the cinnamon roll for my tastes.

Also shout out to our server who kindly split our portion in two bowls because my friend is veggie and I didn’t want to get meat juice in her cheese, and who also kept our waters SO FILLED it became a running joke. 10/10 service, you guys are so friendly.

Two bowls of melted cheese over heaters, surrounded by plates of carrots, asparagus, broccoli, meat, and breads.

Next was a meal I’m not sure is traditionally Canadian, but was prevalent in Banff.

Fondue! I had one with prime rib and a bunch of veggies. Fondue? More like FUNdue! Nothing funnier than watching your friend fighting for her life with cheesy broccoli while you recount childhood trauma. 10/10.

A photo of a top loading clothes washing machine with an orange little box of tide brand detergent.

I was, however, extremely excited to use the TOP LOADER WASHING MACHINE and TIDE DETERGENT!!!

Genuinely exciting moment, washed me clothes good, 10/10.

I shall skip over Tuesday dinner, and all meals on Wednesday, and breakfast and lunch on Thursday because they were lovely but all included in the conference and were buffets without anything too exciting. Imagine a blur of soups, trout, and salads.

A packet of Chips Ahoy cookies with triple chocolate chunks.

I was told I hadn’t had proper Chips Ahoy so with the help of my Puerto Rican friend, she pointed me to her favourite ones.

These were infinitely better than the mini ones. Crumbly without becoming an act of vandalism to the room you’re in, quite sweet, but friends… I’ve had these before. 7/10.

Now I can’t remember is Dasani water is a good one or not, but friends, it was chilled water. In the UK we don’t really do bottled water but it was indeed just water. 9/10.

The Kool-Aid was GOOD. VERY sweet, and it did look like I was pouring blood in the water, which added fun. 9/10.

A little bottle of concentrated Kool-Aid and a bottle of Dasani water.

experiencing the greatness your continent of wonders contains, and I have been at least taking photos. So let’s resume, with a palate cleanser.

Dasani water and KoolAid.

My friends, I apologise for the delays! The reason I have been granted blessed entry into Canada 🇨🇦 is because of a conference, which I was attending and it was great but also very tiring. But fear ye not! I am now in Holiday Time and while I am soon to be on my own meagre dime, I am still -

A plate of half eaten churros.

A mostly drunk glass of Pepsi.

My phone was dying so my server very kindly plugged it in behind the bar, hence my half nommed photos.

The churros were out of this world amazing, we do not do churros like that in the UK. Crispy. Crunchy. Sweet, but perfectly so. Something to ignore your doctor for. 10/10.

A bowl of chips, cheese curds, shredded elk meat, and brown gravy, topped with spring onions.

Lunch today was a Banff Original, so I went to try poutine again - but not just any poutine, elk poutine!

Gamey. Cheesy. Perfect fries. Rich gravy that sings the songs of the north of the uk. A hearty meal, flavours that my Scottish blood knows well. Delicious. 9/10.

The 3 Muskateers is a confused Mars Bar that’s been kept in a pocket too long. Uncomfortably Soft. Visions of extreme mess when forgotten in the bottom of a bag. Whipped, moussey, creamy, a precursor to stomach aches and melancholy. 8/10.

A three musketeers and butterfinger candy bar next to each other.

And my final try for the morning… these two icons.

The Butterfinger was b-utterly bizarre. That combination of taste and texture does not exist in the uk. I don’t know if I like it. I had a bite, put it down, and went for another. Regretted both, but felt compelled. Haunting. 7/10.