Rebecca T. Kaplan

Don’t focus on failed opportunities. Name three things you have right now.

For example I have depression, anxiety and a crippling fear of missing out

😂😂

The weirdest thing about American Christmas is that they DON'T EAT THE GINGERBREAD HOUSES

(at least, not right now)

I think we all need to admit that when we tell friends “I’m ok” we really mean “I’m not going to kill myself”

Every time I open the compost one large insect flies out immediately like “Thank you mistress I was born in that dark cave and I thought I would live and die my whole life inside these walls but now you’ve freed me.”

My friend and I were up all night ranking the datability of ten men who don’t want to fuck us

Coming in December: Kurt Luchs' TRIBUTARIES, an anthology of favorite poems with accompanying essays and poems written in response. Preorder at @asterismbooks.bsky.social: https://asterismbooks.com/product/tributaries-essays-verses-flowing-from-celebrating-favorite-poems-kurt-luchs

*7 7* Saturday 9/27 at 7pm 7 minutes from 7 presenters plus me fucking around Awesome 653 Flatbush Ave. (between Hawthorne and Winthrop @awesomebrooklyn on ig; info at @77_bk40thcouncildistrict on ig The background is RBG "When injustice becomes law resistance becomes duty" which is definitely not a thing she said. I do not argue with the people who run the show about RBG's flaws because that would get messy and she really was important in many ways that were ultimately undermined by hubris.

This Saturday, in Brooklyn, I'm hosting *7 7* again! Comedy from @kathbarbadoro.bsky.social and @rebeccatkaplan.bsky.social, reading from @leahreich.com local voting info from @thetimhunter.bsky.social music from @chrismcintyre.bsky.social and more! (more fun than the flyer suggests.) See alt text.

I have a lot of judgmental energy right now. Does anyone have a child I can scold?

😂😂

You know what they say- sticks and stones will break my bones, but calling me a “talentless hack” really does nothing for me, try being a little more specific

truth haha

A man who used to explain random things on my posts immediately blocked me when I suggested he might be wrong about something. Sometimes the trash throws itself out

🤣

Was this a bad time to invest all my money in pogs?

Native New Yorkers don’t drive drunk, we vomit on the subway

I don't know why people post hot pics to make their exes jealous. Post a gnarly pic of yourself and make them go "ick, I stuck my dick in that?" Truly the best revenge

Will you still need me?
Will you still feed me?

America: NO.

Boomers: they don’t teach kids these days penmanship
Millennials: they don’t teach kids these days typing

Dentist: Only floss between the teeth you want to keep
Me: Cool but how do I get inside his mouth?

😂😂

Me: I just know I’m going to meet him online one day
Friend: your husband?
Me: my murderer ❤️

no - I only eat grownup candies 😭

I just flipped out because I put water in my coffee when I meant to add soy milk but then I realized it's basically the same thing

how did I not know this was a thing??

Do sugar babies have to spend all their money on Sour Patch Kids or can they eat adult candy too?

Once I made a Trump supporter buy me a fancy vegan dinner and skewered him for his political beliefs until he admitted he was wrong. I’ve never felt more empowered as a woman

Here's a trick: if you start a podcast you can get almost anyone to talk to you. (PS I would like to do your podcast ❤️)

If no one’s ever described your personality as “scary” you’re not going to make it in comedy